Cherry. He's gone, but the drama has not

[Cherry]

Thanks blu, it means so much for the support. You are right, I think it's just the absolute hell hes put me through the past few days has had an emotional strain on me, I'm a caring person and i know for a fact I could never do a job helping suicidal people because I'd never sleep at night for worrying about them. I've always been that super maternal figure caring about others. I think just for him to show up like all is well, act or not, and deliver that has just stabbed me somewhat more.

You're right this has strengthened me, in ways I couldn't have imagined. I wish I didn't have to learn my limits of tolerance this way. But I have. I've also learnt that no matter how broken a person is, you cannot change or help them unless they are willing to help themselves. After all you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

His mom is of course furious with him, but I've said maybe he really is troubled, but I can no longer be that one to be there for him and allow him to keep beating me. I said if she could keep check to make sure he isn't doing something stupid, but I cannot influence her no more than anyone else. If she is so furious that she can't deal with him then ultimately that too is up to her. But for a while, unless necessary, i.e. Involving the kids, I shall go dark/dim. I'm hoping that the somewhat physical distance with him out of the house shall help me along this next bit of my journey.

I am feeling some pain and confusion but ultimately nothing has changed. I just don't see him as a very stable person right now, especially with the suicide threats. That is a concern, but lord knows I've tried, I've gone above and beyond to help him, especially for someone fired as a wife. So now I will lean on people. The close people I work with have been amazing sending their love and support, there's a mix of people all ages, some who have been in my shoes, someone who was tragically left a widow with two young children, so I know they will love and protect me, but most of all go easy and not ask any difficult questions. I feel less like I'm living a lie which has possibly held me back a little so far.