Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

OK so some positive things over the last few days.

Boss and HR met, they are working on my transition to get to Toronto ASAP. I may even be able to get a place where the company pays for it which will save me a huge amount of money.

Based on my position and others in my group, it is more cost effective for the company to rent a condo/apartment long term than put us up in hotels.

STBX calls and speaks with the boys last night. She did not sound like she was in a good mood. The two youngest did not want to speak with her. When I took the phone and said that the little ones did not want to talk she became upset and told me I need to put them on the phone. I validated and said I can understand that this is frustrating when the kids do not want to speak with you. She said, I am tired of hearing I understand from you. I just said OK.

She then asked if I spoke to my L about change of domicile and I updated STBX and said yes, it will have to happen after judgment is completed.

STBX then asks, is this a good move for you, you always make uninformed decisions. I said, I do not know. I do know that I do not want the boys driving back and forth once a month and that I will save on daycare. Above and beyond that I cannot predict the future. She did not have a reaction or comment to this.

I then politely said that I needed to hang up as I had things to take care of and said goodbye.

I spoke to DB coach today. Gave him the update of what happened since Friday when I told STBX I was done with her. DB coach said I made some progress with some of my statements by expressing myself with "I" statements. I feel like my heart is broken. I feel that the boys hearts are broken also. He said these were all good things to express.

He asked what made STBX become more soft spoken on Sunday and wanted to support me with watching the boys in the afternoons when I move to Toronto. I said I did not know other than she understand that the boys and I are hurt based on the statements I made above.

He stated I need to continue to be compassionate and detach lovingly in order to rebuild the relationship whether it is for co-parenting or whatever else may come of it.

This is very hard to do. I feel like I have to eliminate any jealousy I have, swallow my pride, kill my ego and have no emotion whatsoever in order to continue to understand her.

Las thing DB coach said is I need to collaborate with STBX. Take things slow and think before I speak in order to ensure I am clearly understanding her and ensure that what I tell her comes out appropriately and not as a criticism or negative. I need to use we statements. For example when STBX says she needs $2900 per month in child support I need to say "I want to be fiscally responsible and we need to understand the budget in order to come to an agreement".

Tomorrow morning STBX has to go in front of the judge and answer yes no questions and in no more than 21 days the D will be official.

I do not want to be punitive to STBX or continue the push pull that we have been doing or she perceives I am doing.

The journey to just get to a better co-parenting relationship has just begun.