my mind is racing. got off to a not so great start. I went to bed at a reasonable hour...but I feel extremely tired. when I'm tired I get crabby. and emotional. I had a weird dream. with W in it. This constantly throws me off. Just thinking of everything going on.
A thought that appeared in my mind is how difficult it was to manage all the house stuff and D and my full-time job. Because W was in school full time and the school was down in the city she often spent the night at MIL's. (this saved W 30 mins each way) some weeks she was gone 2 or 3 days in a row. Not looking for a thank you, as I did it because I love them. I guess I'm wondering when W will see and appreciate, is W really THAT BLIND to my hard work and dedication because I parented D in a different manner than W has envisioned? (I know that may NEVER happen) W is not working yet, she's merely "Studying" to pass her boards while taking care of D full time. ish. W is doing all the things I "didn't want to do" mainly because we lacked the funds. For example, I saw a souvenir cup from the theme park here I "never wanted to go to". Not that W has the funds to do those things now. Neither does OW (saw OW's debt / loan paperwork) It feels crappy that instead of rationalizing our life W rewrote it. I understand W had to make her own sacrifices and compromises. I hate how "I never wanted to do anything, I never wanted to go anywhere, I never wanted D around" blah. blah.
Got a late payment fee from a bill I totally forgot I had to pay. W did in fact canceled the few payments she had taken over for me. I went through and set them up all automatically as soon as my check comes through. That will keep me from getting fees or anything in the future.
Waiting on the day I get served with D papers.
I look back and damn.. I wasn't that bad. I was far from the perfect spouse. parent. partner. daughter in law. I know this. I have plenty of flaws. Plenty of ways I could've improved myself. Life with me wasn't that bad...I know it wasn't. It couldn't have been. So why is her's so great now? (according to her) Why did we marry if for 6 years she was miserable? I did my absolute best. I look back at the person I married...where'd she go? Where can I find her?
