Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

Came home from work yesterday. W met me in kitchen and calmly said "I have paperwork for you". Petition for D. Also a temporary restraining order forbidding me from moving / selling / hiding any marital assets or our money. W found listening device I put in MBR, restraining order says I also can't record conversations. I moved the money 2 weeks ago after she got a job and kept spending on herself from our joint account. I did not blow any money - I moved it to stop her from more overspending. Tracked every penny, I have all bank statements from past 2 years.

Petition is asking for child support, alimony, and for me to pay her court costs.

Called my brother. Spilled the news about everything that's happened since January. Obviously shocked, on phone for 3 hours. Told me to lay my cards on the table with her. Waited for kids to go to sleep. I calmly told her that I don't want this and I don't think this is the answer. I love her and want to work this out and it's going to be a lot of hard work and I am willing to do it. I have stayed away from her this year to give her the space she wants.

I said we cannot try to repair this sand castle that's falling apart. We have to build a new sand castle, and all I'm asking her to do right now is pick up the shovel...just talk. I said a 2 foot sand castle with her is better than a 8 foot sand castle with any other woman in the world. Maybe DBing says I should have shrugged at the D papers and just turned away, but I've been turning away all year. I didn't beg, plead, cry or even ask. I just stated what I wanted for us.

Her first response was "I don't know". Given that she gave me D papers 4 hours earlier, I consider it a good sign.

W starts MLC monologue. She's pretty calm, but a lot of stuff I've heard before. She felt like a prisoner as a stay-at-home mom. "I wanna be free". She needs new friends who are just acquaintances. More accusations that I treat her like a teenage daughter and try to control her. STFU Smoothie for most of it.

Another BD - she quit her job. Only been at it one month. She gave 2 weeks notice. I asked why and she said her mother doesn't want to babysit the kids anymore. We're paying her $125 a week. She has to quit her job to return to being at home with the kids.

Gotta stop analyzing her, but I'm confused again. She hands me D papers and then says I quit my job. One activity seems to contradict the other. Don't know if lawyer told her to quit to secure alimony and/or qualify for welfare. No clue.

She thinks I just don't care because in August during a D conversation over the phone with me at work my reply to a D was "that's not in my best interest." She says it feels like I'm saying "it's cheaper to keep her". That's when I start talking and object. I feel like she's putting words in my mouth. I say there's a big difference between those two sentences and she shouldn't conflate one with the other. She says the first statement makes her feel like the second statement. I say I can't be held responsible for her feelings for things I didn't say. She gets angry, doesn't raise her voice, but gets up & leaves.

This morning - I repeat back to her her feelings about feeling like being a stay-at-home mom is a prison. I ask her not to quit her job. She's doing great and I know she loves being out of the house. I say we'll figure out a plan to help her mother stay on board with babysitting. This job is her ticket to independence and I want to see her happy. She quickly says "well I already gave notice and they're already interviewing new people". Her tone of voice feels like a lie. She leaves for work.

Just picking up vibes from her last night and this morning. She feels sad, lost, she doesn't know what to do.

I'm going to talk to her tonight. I'm going to ask as calmly as I can what she expects the outcome of this situation is going to be. What does she expect of custody of the kids? How much income does she expect to have at hand? Does she realize we will most likely lose the house? Where will she go with the kids? Her mother will find a new place with friends or relatives, but she's about to turn 70, how W feel about that?

Should she say "I don't know" to all this, I plan to press on as gently as I can. I need to know what her PLANS are because they affect the quality of our children's lives. If she moves to another area, our boys might be in a lesser school.

Called law firm, $350 consultation and $3K retainer for the court date. Good God, we're not rich. If we go through with all this, it will bankrupt our family. We will lose the house. W and the boys will be forced into a basement apartment, so will I, and so will her mother. We're just getting by, but for Heavens Sake, we already have it all.

I've been looping "Make Me Wanna Holler" all morning. Today is our 13th wedding anniversary.