I haven't posted lately, but I have been here reading, and please know that I am silently sitting in your corner. My words to you remain the same. You WILL get through this.
You are beautiful, you are rising above the obstacles he keeps throwing at you, and you ARE getting stronger, even if it doesn't always feel that way. You may not see it today, but down the road you will see how overcoming these hardships has molded you into a better person. I believe this is the greatest silver lining for you and for all of us. What doesn't kill us, can make us stronger, if we choose to do the hard work, and you are making that choice. And under the hardest circumstances! This is why we all look up to you and admire you!
I still reserve my position that not much has changed in your sitch. It may feel that way--as he keeps throwing fireballs at you--but really his actions have been consistent all along. He has been having an A, he has been moving forward with D, he has been planning on moving out, and he is depressed/withdrawn in general. What has changed from last month to this week really? I say this because I see that each whack stings you and hurts you and I want to help you tighten your armor.
I think you know what to do. Perhaps you are afraid because you still have some hope left in your heart and if you let it go then that is the end? I recall feeling that way when I started to let go of my WH; it is a mental switch that is VERY hard to flick. I think you can do it. In fact, I know you can. I think when you release him, you will find that things get easier. He has already put you through h3ll and back, hasn't he? So by releasing him, and letting go of that hope, you set yourself free. He can no longer drag you down. Tighten that armor, Cherry, so when that baby comes, all your attention can go where you want it to go.
That doesn't mean that he won't come around some day at some time. You don't want him as he is right now and that would be toxic for you and for the babies. Perhaps one day he will help himself, get stronger, and think about his life from a healthy perspective. Then he can start making the changes he needs to make to be a good man, father, and H. Could be in months, years, or it may never happen. Unfortunately you cannot influence that. That's hard to accept, but you cannot. You can be the brightest lighthouse or the victim of all his guilt, but that will not bring back the man you want and deserve.
So what I would love for you today is to see this as a blessing and a new beginning. He can no longer hurt you because he has already hurt you in every possible way. So now that he is gone and your home can be safe, you can start to rebuild your nest with love and optimism.
((((Cherry))))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela