Eating Life with a Big Spoon

[HaWho]

The beginning of this is the hardest, I promise. I read everything I could find on MLC. And even now, I often re-read old info and new things click for me. That helped me tremendously. All the people here helped me a LOT, too. Job, especially. It helped so much to talk to people who believed in this thing.

I haven't told a single friend about this. I live in a tight knit community and am by nature a private person. (Although that'll surprise you because I post SO much here. I'll tell you why in the next paragraph.). Plus, it is my kids' father and I don't want it getting out to my kids' friends.

Because I have a live-in MLCer, one of the ways I have tried to give back is to post a lot for those coming behind me and for those who are here with MLC spouses who have just vanished. I think little is known about true MLC in the real world. Maybe my posts will help others or those coming behind me?

Why do I think he's still here? I can't know for sure. I have theories. His dad walked out on him as a kid and I do think somewhere deeeep down he knows he'll totally screw his relationship with his kids if he does leave. He has never forgiven his dad. Also, maybe because I took ALL pressure off him? I could see he was nuts and I didn't want him doing too much with my kids in the early days. He lived like a guy who rented a room from me. No lie. Lastly, I believe he stayed to recreate his childhood home to grow up again. Weird, I know but I see proof of it ALL the time. If he ever wakes up, I will ask him to explain as much of this as he can when he is ready.

What keeps me going? My marital vows. I knew there would be "bad times" but gosh, I never expected THIS. Also, I went through my own depression (but it was lollipops and unicorns compared to MLC) and my h stood by me. I do remember how he treated me. He was kind but aloof, gave me space, tried to help in constructive ways (but I had no idea I was depressed). My depression and what led to it humbled me to my knees. I truly realized bad things can happen to good people.