D and MLC

[ciluzen]

So, I just drove home through the gorgeous state park by my apartment surrounded by brilliant fall color, moss covered stone and ...I was fighting back sobs the whole way. Why? Coldplay's "Viva la Vida".

It brought back a memory and...yet another epiphany. My family always came to me when they wanted help analyzing songs, stories, poems, books, or anything with ideas or meanings they had trouble finding below the surface. Its something I enjoy and do well. Hey! Some people like to do crossword puzzles or sudoku. Anyway, H was laying on our bed in his work clothes after dinner, listening to his ipod with headphones on when that song first came out. It was when I really started realizing he was depressed. He came into our library where I was on the computer and asked if I had heard the song. He asked me to youtube it and listen and tell me what I thought it meant. I took it as an assignment and came back in to tell him what I thought the writer was trying to say. We had a brief discussion, but then he just went silent. I'll just say, I think it was a very accurate interpretation. Look up tthe song lyrics sometime. I also remember him staring at me with his sad, beseeching look that he would get. No talking, but as if I should be able to read his mind with his eyes. I realize now that he was trying to tell me that the song spoke for him; or at least he felt much the way the subject in the song was feeling.

There is so much to the idea of depression, low self esteem, low self worth, and guilt in our MLC spouses. He was trying to tell me how I felt and I just was so clueless. He must have felt so alone when I didn't "get it" that he wanted me to apply it to him. I can't remember if it was before or after, but I think before, that I caught him in the same position staring off in front of him saying, "I have nothing". I tried to cuddle and make light of it; disagreed and tried to change his mind. I was so clueless.

And this is why when my IC and anyone else expresses disbelief that I'm not running away as fast as I can and angry at the way I've been treated, the wrongs that he perpetrated on me, I tell them...I'm not without blame in the implosion of our R.