If he's interested in doing things w/the kids, then let him. If there are things that the kids need help then mention it to him. Don't tell him...mention it or suggest it. Give him the option of saying yes or no. Telling him to do stuff or pointing out what he's not doing sounds like a mother. You aren't his mother.
You are going to see all types of things that your h does. One minute he could be angry and the next act as if nothing is wrong. They are emotional during the crisis. They are operating on emotions and when the emotions are all over the place, so shall they.
If you want him to participate in activities, then treat him as a friend. I would not suggest he take a different car or sit some place else. Ignore him? Nope, I would continue as you always would...but treat him as a friend. Your expectations are very high for your h right now and you need to knock them down to a 2 or 1 because you are getting angry, frustrated and upset expecting him to respond to you as he would have pre-crisis.
If he initiates contact and/or reached out, then listen to what he has to say and follow his lead. Just stay away from relationship talks, lawyers, him getting help and/or getting out. Keep your conversations civil and on safe topics.
Did you read HaWho's threads? If you didn't...you really should because her threads have a wealth of information from when she first arrived her and still going on now. She's coming a long way and she asked many of the same questions that you have asked over the last year or so.
I want you to think about something...how would you behave around a friend? Would you pursue them? Would you give them ultimatums? What would your expectations be of a distant friend?
I want to know what you are doing for yourself these days. I know it's difficult not to focus on him, but what are you doing in the way of being there for your kids? They can sense stress/tension in the home.
Keep the focus on you and what you can control.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
