Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Hi,

I have been lurking for a while and thought it was time to start my story, as things a potentially coming to a head.

Me: 46 W: 41 Kids : S12 D14 S17 Married 17 Years

I would say that things really started surfacing around 2 years ago from my wifes 40th Birthday.
We have had arguments before, where she would normally threaten divorce or separation when she wanted to end the conversation. Most of our arguments have never been that bad, mainly about kids discipline or finances. Over the years, I can see now that I have given in more and more to try and keep her happy. I can see now that this has had the opposite effect, in that she has loss respect for me (albeit maybe subconsciously) and this is why she has fallen out of love for me. I have been quite a needy man, in that if we argue I will wan't to talk and settle it, where she has always preferred to distance until she is ok. The problem with this has been that once she is ok (sometimes a day or two), the issue we argued on was not addressed.

There obviously is so much to this story (like everyones), and I would be happy to share it, but for now will summarise where we are at.

Easter 2015 : I love you but I'm not in love with you
October 2015 : I dont love you anymore
New Years Day 2016 : "Im not attracted to you anymore", "Im sacrificing myself to stay in the marriage for the kids!"
2016 Jan-Jul : Lots of I dont love you what do you want me to do
2016 July : On our anniversary night. Im only in this marriage because of the kids. Then sorry I didnt mean that, I can see that you are making lots of changes.
3 weeks ago : Things havent changed for me, I thing we should look at a separation. You said that you would let me go when I was ready.

This was actually a big shock, as we had been out a few times, to parties, clubbing on our own, to running events and in general things seemed quite good. We have had no sexual intimacy since Easter 2016, although once or twice a week she might move over to my side of the bed to cuddle, she will rest her head on my shoulder to sleep etc. Always gives me lots of hope, despite the clear pattern she has given over the last few years.

So we are still living in the same house. When she comes home from work, she will normally engage me conversation in what has happened at work. She will ask my advice about studying at Uni and stuff like that. This is even after the conversation about separating from 3 weeks ago. Even last weekend, when she woke she moved over and slept on me for an hour or two.

I continue to try and support her, be engaged when she does talk to me etc. If I do try to go near the conversation of the R, she will always come back to not loving me anymore, no matter how well we seemingly have been getting on.

2 weeks ago I had a lower back problem and ended up in hospital. She was at work and called the ambulance for me. She also left work early and came to the hospital. I was on strong pain killers for the weekend and she looked after me. Come the sunday I tried to ask what we are doing about the separation and that I don't want it. She said that she wanted me to know that just because she came to the hospital doesn't mean that she loves me again. She said that no matter what happens to us, even if we are divorced and remarried, if I was sick she would still come and see me to make sure I was ok. She will always care for me as we have been through so much together. I said that I understand her, but how sure is she that she is making the right decision, I asked her to read a workbook on making the decision for divorce which she agreed to read.

Last weekend I asked her about it again, whether she had read it, and she said that she had started to. But then the next week I asked her again and she said, please stop nagging. She said that I keep pushing for an answer, when she is still trying to sort her own emotions out on what she wants to do!!! (This confused me again, as I thought she said that she wanted to separate 3 weeks before and she was pretty adamant on that).