MLC & Alcoholic

[Rose888]

My kids are 9, 7, 5 and 5. I have been dim, only speaking when spoken to, not asking him where he is when he is coming. For the past 3 weeks he has left the country, gone to a Notre Dame football game for the weekend and and all day Jets game drinking fest. I kindly and happily supported it all. He inserts himself into our life when he feels like it and checks out just the same. I run everyday and had been spending time up in my room on the computer etc. At first it seemed to be working, but yesterday, after spending 4 hours at the gym with no regard for our family schedule I felt I needed to talk and level set. That turned into the brutal conversation we had last night.

His biggest complaint is that everybody outside the home gives him lots of attention, thinks he is great, validates him etc. But he feels he got nothing inside the home. IMO, that is because he disconnected (I allowed it) from all responsibility years ago. So what he says was true. I ran the entire ship and if he showed up it was a bonus. Yes, sometimes I complained and we joked together that he was "worthless" around the house - but I thought it was just the way we were.

I felt horrible this morning about how angry I came off and the threats of divorce. So I sent him this text this morning to which he hasn't responded. I feel like regardless of no response - it can set a turning point for me and my behavior. What do you think?

"I am confused and heart broken. I don't want to show anger when I am just sad. I love you dearly. And always have. OUr relationship was strong and based on a great friendship, love, a desire to grow together and same values. I know in my hear the disconnection and discontentment you feel is something way bigger than us. I want to help you beat this. I will stand by you if you let me. Please can we get some help from someone who can point us in the right direction?'

I think your text comes across as trying to control how he feels and thinks, and denies how he is interpreting his own experience,

When someone is feeling bad about their marriage, being told their marriage was strong makes them feel unheard and dismissed.

It sounds to me like your H has given you a clear indication of a big issue in your marriage, and you have flipped it around so it is all his fault and not your fault.

I understand that it feels like his issues are bigger than yours, but you have the best chance of saving your marriage if you change your behavior first, even if you feel like he doesn't deserve to have you change first.

I would get counseling for yourself to work on your anger, and then I would be eagle-eyed in a search for honest words of affirmation and praise you can give your husband. He doesn't help at home, but does he provide financial support for the family? Is he he sold financial provider?