Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[sandi2]

Can I get some feedback --- if W calls A off and never admits it -- is it best to pretend you never knew ? ( assuming you see the actions and behaviors you need to see-- you just let the secret stay with your W )

I think that would be a personal decision. Some people choose to bury the secret and go on with their M as if the A never occurred. Others feel they would be living a lie if the truth did not come forth. Like Bond said, reading the DB or DR book will help you understand what is right for your situation. Also, understand that choosing to not confront about the affair at this time, does not mean to never discuss it. Again, these are personal decisions. Whatever you've read on other threads, are personal experiences or view points from observations, etc. My advice is to get better acquainted with DBing before you jump into something you won't know how to handle.

You know yourself. Could you go the rest of your life without saying anything about the A? The next time you and W get into an argument......will you be tempted to use your intel for leverage? Will it always be at the back of your mind, eating at you? Would you feel your MR is a lie, b/c of this secret?

Perhaps you are an avoider, and had rather bury it, instead of bringing it up. Maybe you will see your W putting effort into the MR, and you think if you bring up the subject of her A, it will make things much worse. These are the things only you can decide for yourself.

My point is that you need to read, read, and read more.........and do NOT jump into telling your W anything until you know what the heck you're doing. This appears to be a difficult task for some men. Do nothing to get a reaction from her! Work on you becoming a confident man. You can be decisive without being controlling.

I have a question. Did your W say she wanted out of the M? She said she wanted to live there, but what about the MR? It was unclear to me.

Would you say the MR has lacked a certain passion?