Sad Dad needs help II

[Bworl]

Dad,
First, I agree with whoever suggested changing your screen name. I'm not a big rah-rah, inspirational message guy, but even I feel the depression seeping from your name.

I'm a Christian too. So was my ex-wife. I know you need encouragement, and the fact that my story ended in divorce probably scares you and isn't very comforting. Sorry about that.

But you know what?

I count my story as an amazing success.

Every story is different here, though we all arrive here with the same goal. Some marriages get saved. Many marriages do not. Nevertheless, there are way more success stories here than failures. The ending us mostly up to you, though you probably can't see or believe that just yet.

So...some of my take on your situation. Just my opinion - do with it what you will.

I think your wife is going through MLC. Mine did the same. Something about sudden life changes after 20 years or so of marriage seems to make things prone to MLC. Your wife feels like she is a new person, and her new person simply cannot be happy and fulfilled in her boring old life. Bet she's even said things to that effect.

Her changes, along with 20 years of stagnation in your relationship, makes her decision seem perfectly logical to her. That family and friends cannot see this just makes her mad, and stiffens her resolve.

She wants out. You need to let her out. You can't make her stay.

What can you do?

You can take care of yourself and your kids. You can use this unwanted change in your life to make some changes in yourself and your life you thought you'd never have the chance to make. They call that "getting a life" around here. I'd call it caring enough about yourself to choose living even when you're dying inside.

No kudos from me on your weight loss. It happens to all of us who receive the bomb - something about a sudden and pervasive lack of appetite. I'll be impressed if you take the results of the "divorce diet" and turn them into seriously making some permanent health and lifestyle changes that allow you a long healthy life.

I wouldn't try to hinder her efforts on the divorce. I would just be consistent in your lack of desire for one by refusing to celebrate it or help hurry it along.

She wants her own life, so honor her wishes. That means no money until legal proceedings are decided. That means no meals just because she is too irresponsible to buy food. That means sticking to an agreed upon schedule and conditions related to spending time with daughter. That means protecting your credit legally by getting her name and access off of joint financial accounts where possible.

It doesn't mean being rude - unless you just get angry and need to pop off (generally we try to minimize that though by working on detaching).

It doesn't mean doing fake stuff trying to scare her back, trying to impress her, or trying to stay on her good side. Fake is bad - really bad - and MLC'ers seem to be able to smell fake from nearby counties.

If you gotta mope, do it a bit. Then correct yourself by doing something that brings you great joy or satisfaction. If you don't know what those things are, that means your "get a life" work has been pathetic so far. Get on it.

Read here. Post here. Vent here. Listen, absorb, think about, and meditate on what people tell you here. They're writing to you because they KNOW what you're going through, and they CARE that you survive and thrive, no matter the outcome.

You will succeed,...if you want to succeed.

Blessings,
Bill