How do you know when he's out of MLC? When the talk and the actions match up. You might want to read a thread that I created many, many years ago on Reconnection. It should help answer your question of coming out of MLC. This is the hardest part of the journey for the LBS, because we become impatient and do not want to take things slowly. Here's the link:
If you usually wrap gifts for him, then sure. Maybe you might want him to clarify about the winterization of the koi pond issue. You might ask him if he's planning to take care of that. It doesn't hurt to put some responsibility back on to him.
I would continue as planned and go to Atlantis w/the kids and family friends. He's a big boy and if he doesn't want to go, then so be it...but don't allow his absence to ruin your fun.
If you enjoy spending time w/your friend, then do so...but don't do it just to annoy him. If you want to spend more time w/you do so.
If something is working do it, if it isn't, then stop doing it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think the link that Job gave you says this but I will summarize, reconnection happens in reverse of separation.
In this order - Us, kids, pets, things for separation the opposite order for reconnection things, pets, kids and finally us.
And I agree with Job when actions and words match up. It takes a long time and the best thing we can do is sit back and watch it all happen, listen, validate and not pursue.
Also listening to Brene Brown and reading her book. Interestingly she promotes vulnerability, which I am not sure applies here. If I am vulnerable I am a turn off right?
Only if you were not vulnerable before and he complained about it.
You have to read the whole of DB and not just read the one section. I'm sure there were things in your M that he complained about that also contributed to your situation. Be honest. Plus we will be helping you based on DB principles and it's going to be hard for you to understand what we're trying to say if you didn't read the book fully.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The trip to Atlantis sounds fun and I'm sure that you and your kids are looking forward to it. Sounds like your H was stunned with your response and that you handled it very well.
H seems to have noticed a change in your behavior. Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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I am not an expert, but my H has had two MLC episodes, about 11 years apart. In his case, I felt strongly that pushing him to decide would result in him leaving.
With MLC, I really think patience gives your marriage the best chance of surviving.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
To follow up.... i can't take him living like it is a hotel. He threw me a couple bones this week to get me somewhat nice but the fact of the matter is, he is doing nothing for me or this family. What i am doing but to facilitate this awful behavior?
