Let's talk about the A, first of all. Hopefully, the OM did not respond to your W, but whether he did or not......she's in an A. It is possible for a woman to be in an emotional affair and the other person not even know about her feelings. There is even a type that is called imaginary affair, where a woman can allow her emotional response to a fictional character to affect her MR, comparing her H to the hero. I know that sounds pretty bizarre, but it happens. It may not be as noticeable to the H as an PA, and he thinks she's just not interested in being intimate. And, an emotional affair can be devastating to a MR, just like a physical affair. They are powerful. Anyway, this A has put her in the therapist's office, so it's serious to her.
I think it really bugs some H's to think his W believes she is pulling the wool over his eyes. I mean, who wants to be the duped H? I can understand that point of view....and if I were in that position, it would be very difficult to keep my mouth shut. But let me tell you that you had better have all the courage you can muster.....and don't give any ultimatums unless you plan to carry through. Once she knows you are on to her......you will have the biggest challenge of your life!
I don't know if I have ever seen a confrontation go the way the H visioned it. For one thing, confrontation, alone, does not accomplish anything except letting her know that you are aware of the A. I know you intend to give her the choice to say she'll work on the M, etc., but you seem to think you are dealing with a rational, logical, sane woman.
There are few times that we hear of a wayward woman who will admit to her A upon confrontation, even if there is evidence staring her in the face. She will deny, deny, and deny some more. She will declare there is nothing to it, that they are just friends, and it's all in your head. So, the fact you want to show the evidence you have.....is completely unnecessary. In fact, don't show her how you obtained your information. Never reveal your source of intel. You can tell her that you know, and it doesn't change the truth by revealing how you came to know. You don't need to prove how you know the truth, when confronting a cheater. Also, don't argue with her. She will try to twist things around and probably go off into blaming you. Try to stick to the subject of just the A, and not discuss the entire marital history (which seems hard to do). Oh btw, never tell her how much you know. She'll try hard to find out just what details you know.
Another point I want to bring out about confrontation is that almost every time (based on the stories on the forum over the years) the wayward wife will insist the M is over and she wants a separation or divorce. If you are ready to dump her, then there should be no problem. The majority of newcomer H's immediately go into pleading with the WW to give the M another chance (or worse, give him another chance).
MC will do absolutely no good, until she ends her A and goes through the emotional withdrawals that follow. She would need to agree to complete transparency in order to earn your trust again. If she gets that far along, then attending MC (dealing with couples after an A) would be advisable. (Probably not the therapist she is currently seeing).
If you are like most men, you are going to confront, whether we agree or not. Just remember, she's likely to slay you with more than you anticipate.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
