You Can't Fix 'Em-But What About Family?

[MrBond]

"it's a cop out to also say there is nothing we can do to help our spouses and we can only help ourselves."

Actually you are the one that came up with that conclusion. Neither the book or anyone here have told you that you can't help your spouse. The fact is that in pretty much all of the instances, the spouse doesn't want the LBS's help at all. And when you do try to help, it pushes them away. That's pretty much in all of the situations.

And DB is definitely not a marketing bait and switch. At it's core, its just doing what you did when you and your spouse first met. You didn't push, you didn't pry, you lived your life and was happy whether that person was in your life or not.

You say that you are not concerned about your M but are worried about how your H is going to handle having two wives. The bottom line is that you can be there for him and give him all the support you can, but it's up to him to decide on what to do. And you will be surprised at how much your H may not be telling you. I can guarantee you that everyone on here before the bomb drop would have told you that they knew their spouse very well and that they would NEVER have done the things that they did.

I get it that you're looking for understanding, which is great. But all of that understanding doesn't mean that you're going to be able to anticipate everything. It does sound like you're a fixer and on the controlling side. Which I don't mean in a bad way. But there are times when you sound like a parent to your H and I don't know how it would be if he actually started to take charge of things and not rely on your emotional strength. I don't know if you'd feel the same way if he started investing more attention to his new wife and started listening to her more than you. Just a thought. Good luck to you whatever you decide.