Thanks Dory, I think when WH moves here on Wednesday I can spend one night a week just doing what I want. I also am following MWD advice to "allow" my spouse to help out. When one takes on all the marital duties you effectively remove your spouse from feeling needed. Of course there is the added benefit of getting some time to mentally recharge however I want while WH takes care of the kids.
Today WH called and asked me to look at some links he sent me about houses for sale in the area. There was a lot of "we" talk and how "we" could have the house paid for in 10 years. My coach advised me to pay particular attention to this kind of talk as it shows WH's head has me and the family in his mental future. So I kept talking about the houses and actually avoided R talks. Frankly I need a break from M and R talks and it's nice to just have a normal conversation with hope in it. I also did some validation as he stayed late at work last night (gratis) to help out another doctor with a heavy call.
Yesterday the plumbers came and re-piped the entire house. It's a rental and has had sever plumbing issues since I rented. I had to keep the baby corralled all day and the house was a wreck when the left. So today I spent the day cleaning and minding the baby. The house is now immaculate and the kid's clothes washed and ironed for the week. I will be working 12 days straight so I prepped for that time. We just ate an early dinner as I plan to put the kids to bed a bit early. Soon I'll put them in their bathes, read their bed time story and cuddle them. I am blessed.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You are a marvelous woman, mother, wife, and doctor I would dare say. You have traveled a long and difficult road and you just keep on going. You are a wonderful example for so many to know that you don't let things hold you back, hold you down or knock you out.
I have said it before and I will say it again. You are the superstar of DBers in the time that I have been here. You study, you take action, you learn form mistakes, and all while pushing on with the day to day needs of your family. you simply do not miss a beat.
I saw this quote to day and you came to mind.
She was fierce. She was simple. She was crazy and always had something to say. She had flaws, but when she was down she got right back up. She was a beast in her own way but one word described her best… Strong!
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Your post was really lovely (the plumbing bit I mean - ha ha). Seriously, he is talking about 'we' and a future with a house! Wow. Keep your distance and if he changes direction stick with it just as you have been. No M or R talks is good for now I sense. Something is going well. Keep doing whatever it is you are doing.
You have been a busy mum over the weekend. Feels good to be on top of things at home I see! Bathtime and cuddles - you are indeed blessed!
More of these posts please.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
WH started a R conversation last night that ended in him stating he wants a divorce. Okay then, which personality am I addressing presently. I handled myself poorly and started to cry, not exactly the lovingly detached picture, huh? Anyways, got two hours of sleep last night after that conversation. I am seriously thinking I may need to start antidepressants.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Both personalities probably, or none. Remember they say "Believe nothing he says" so you should not take anything he says seriously at this point, good or bad. He's confused.
However, he knows he is coming to live with you (for good?) this week and perhaps the confusion is hitting a higher level at this moment. Once he gets past the anticipation of what might happen and it actually happens, he might settle down a bit.
If you want to keep him in your life, you really have no choice but to be patient at this point.
I agree with 2lady. He might be feeling the stress of having to live as a family again.
(((Sara)))
It must svck but believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Your wh will get cold feet once he's back and he may get cabin fever.
How do you think you can prepare for that?
Everytime he mentions D, remember that you have the gift of at least 6 months.
Please take care of yourself, Sara. Would it help if you treat him like one of your mental patients? Easier said than done but try using your professional detachment.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Everytime he mentions D, remember that you have the gift of at least 6 months.
Excellent. Keep this in mind. This is not a fast process even if he goes that way!!!
Also remember this. Often the WS uses the D word to pull your strings. I think they want to know you care. I think they are trying to get your attention - like a toddler does.
Try thinking of your reconciliation/divorce conversation that way perhaps? I had many of these conversations late at night with my W and it screws with your head. I stopped and started just going to sleep (you have made me remember). Why, because it was just going round and round in circles. Or she was. She was basically playing "Why Don't You Yes But" (google it if you are not aware). You have to exit the game and sleep.
Perhaps sleep deprivation and attachment have made you feel like this. You clearly love him very much and are struggling to break away to the extent that might make it easier on you. It's just a phase though I am sure. I have done this before lot's (just look at my thread - I read like a nutter!!!).
Get some rest, put the divorce part of the conversation right to the back of your mind. Focus on the reconciliation part and detach to the point you are happy either way. Remember that "Truly Blessed" feeling. Get back there.
No need to emotionally react to his words (because it's probably BS).
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
A friend and I were talking. He came over for dinner - we drank far too much red wine so watched a film the next day rather than mountain biking - he ho (I am not sure it's GAL or G a Hangover but hey!). I digress. I was talking about my S6. He is a bit nervous of falling off his bike. My friend has cycled the world literally - he has a problem I think!!! LoL. Anyway, he told me to tell me S6 this:
"You only needs to look where you want to go and the bike will take you there."
It's true. I think it is also true about relationships (but many other things too). You are not falling apart. You are getting your relationship back on track. It's just a bumpy road. Keep focusing on that stage ahead where you are able to start and reconcile, to smile warmly and feel in love again. If you feel the opposite, it may never happen.
The tricky part, is detaching to the point you can take it or leave it - and you kind of need two approaches in my view. The problem is if you don't detach, you won't be the person you are at your core and it's the person at your core they need to see and you them.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Thank you so much, friends. I think the reason I have been crying is due to sleep deprivation and being a female (read hormone stuff once a month.) Yesterday he checked on me, I was feeling very low and fragile. He was talking about how he was going to contact a lawyer when he got here on Wednesday and I told him I needed to hang up. (I could feel the knot in my throat and tears coming, I was grocery shopping after work) He didn't want to hang up and was rapidly saying he wasn't doing this to hurt me. I blurted out, "You are hurting me and this is the worst pain of my life. But I know you will do whatever you want to do no matter the costs." I then terminated the call.
After I finished my shopping I called him back like I promised and he was going on and on about how he needs to be free of me, he wants to escape the guilt and feels divorce is fair to him and me. I validated but told him not to presume how this is fair or good to me. I didn't argue just spoke in a flat, defeated tone because I had no energy to "act as if." Wh ended the convo saying he would not go to a lawyer when he got here and we would just see what happens. I told him fine and finished the call.
I'll be honest, I was pretty broken yesterday. Lots of crying and just feeling defeated. My WH's cousin called (she knows about WH's A and is solidly promarriage) She heard how blue I was and spent an hour cheer leading me and telling me to keep DBing. I felt better after the call and managed to get 9 hours of sleep last night. I feel better today and may just stay dim with WH to protect myself.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
