I remember a time Zues, when I felt like you and Vanilla were my only port in a storm that I thought was never going to end. It seems and feels like a lifetime ago that I thought Mr Ex was worth dying for. It seems ridiculous to me now to even contemplate that he was worth my life. But maybe that isn't it, maybe it was the escape from pain.
Is it strange to feel simultaneously like I am a million miles from the person I was and still feel that I haven't changed at all? I feel this dichotomy daily. I'm not sure how to make sense of it sometimes. But rather than attempt to find answers anymore, I am finding more comfort in letting the future evolve in its own time and pace. Do I become frustrated and anxious that things are not moving more quickly for me, for sure, but if BD and losing a love has taught me anything, there is no reward to remaining attached to anything.
I don't mean that we shouldn't love and care and commit to others, to our work to our communities, but loss and change is inevitable, and there are just no guarantees. It is strange to feel completely uncommitted, or maybe completely committed to letting go. I realised sometime ago that my attachments to how I thought everything needed to be, or how people "should" behave and be, had me trapped in a perfect world, where I was expected to be perfect too.
I see now how much of my own misery was in my own hands. I struggle to watch others doing as I did, and unable to give them the key to the door that will set them free.
The pain morphs doesn't it Zues, it changes and colours some things brighter, illuminates them in fact and for other things it fades them making them dull and unappealing, or at times ugly or completely invisible.
I am not explaining myself well at all. But I have been thinking about you and myself as we transition into newer landscapes and geographies for this part of our journey. What will come of us Zues?
I remember back in the beginning of my journey I told you how I felt for most of my life, nothing more than an observer of others, an outsider, I was Charlie, with my nose pressed up to the glass of candy shop, while others pranced about inside, singing and dancing and indulging in everything the candy shop had to offer. I feel less like that these days. I don't think I feel anymore connected to people or anymore liked or respected or included, but I think I feel it less, there is less pain, less feeling of exclusion.
So i think if I can feel the same but different in my life, maybe Zues you do too.
I am not sure of the point of writing all of this was, maybe it was just the point of writing to you.
