It's not so much mind reading as I actually do have a lot of insight into what he is thinking because he has always been a completely open and honest person with me as he trusts me more than anyone, whether his thoughts are good or bad (even about me!), so I actually do understand what is motivating him. He couldn't get away with lying to me either because I know what the look in his eyes is when he does and he knows that too. And he has always been a bit like an MLCer, positive attitude for a few days and then negative the next few, so in that regard I can read him pretty well. What is different is before he would not have ACTED on his feelings, but now he is acting as if there is no time to waste for anything without thinking through the consequences or how he might feel the next day that would change what he wants to do.
Sometimes it's actually very scary how well I have been able to read him through this whole thing and even anticipate his next moves. One morning I was feeling quite down about his behavior and in my mind I thought of how he was treating me using a rather obscure metaphor. That night, he used that exact same metaphor to describe me! Even though I had never heard him use it before. That's how well I know his thinking. This has happened multiple times through the process. I CAN read his mind and I have even told him I know exactly what you are going to do before you do it. And I have.
And also realize I am not putting all the details on here because I don't want to be indentifiable in the future. For example, I have not put the primary reason for the marriage, as it is known to everyone who knows us. So it may seem like I am just mind reading but in some cases I am basing my comments on what he has said.
With regards to the other wife, I feel comfortable about the relationship I will have with her. I am angry at her about some of her thinking but still I respect her as I would want her to respect me and will do my best to make her feel welcome. She seems to have a calm personality so that is a good thing. She actually is the least of my concerns at this point. We're both in for the rollercoaster ride and my husband is the driver, not her.
At this point, probably my biggest concern is for my husband to be able to deal with having two wives. We have had talks about how he views our respective roles and how he expects to interact with her vs. me. What we have not and he refuses to really discuss yet is the day-to-day living logistics, or at least not in a way that satisfies me. He's made some vague and contradictory statements. He simply refuses to be pinned down at this point. I think because he probably hasn't thought it out that far. When he does think about it, he panics. And I think he is doing the exact same thing with her because sometimes he will get all worried especially about she and I getting along and I tell him don't worry it will be fine etc. and he will say, "wow, she said exactly the same thing to me!" in a very incredulous way because he can't believe we react to him saying the same thing in exactly the same way. Moreover, when she and I talked we both agreed that he is really afraid about being married to two. He won't come out and say it to either one of us but it is pretty obvious.
And based on what he has told me about his expectations from her he is headed full-speed ahead into repeating a lot of the mistakes he made with me in the beginning. He has learned to be a better man in our marriage and those problems are long ago resolved between us and we have gotten along great for years now, but maybe she will put up with it better than I did. That's basically what he has told her, that he wants her to put up with him when he is in a bad mood and he has gone out of his way to be an ass. And at least for now, she says she will. That was one of his main criteria in choosing her, but that is just starting out from such a negative, that it just does not seem a good foundation for a happy marriage. There's other things I see that are also repeats of the negatives of our early days, but I won't bore you with them. But that's between the two of them and not my business.
It only concerns me to the extent that I worry that any stress he has from his relationship could spill over into ours. But I am reasonably hopeful it won't as long as the stress is not due to something about me. Because I have watched him for years after having a fight with me and being very angry at me, pick up his phone and have a totally happy and normal conversation with everyone else. So he can compartmentalize stuff like that pretty well.
I've told him he should consider it like a company. He's the boss and we are the two employees. We each have our strengths. I'm more like the one helping him with the planning and the decisionmaking and the management as that is what I am really good at and she will be the one doing more of the implementation.
My long term goal is to have a better marriage than before. High expectations I know but that is what motivates me. He keeps telling me nothing will change and he will be the same husband he has always been forever. But I tell him look it has changed and it will change and we can make it better. I try to show him a really positive attitude even if he isn't feeling it.
We have discussed weaknesses in our marriage, areas where she can step in and take responsibilities off my head, areas that have been a source of tension for us and that we actually both agree are not the best use of my time as it is more beneficial my time be spent on other things. Some seemingly trivial things but they are daily and so having one less annoyance a day can only be good. Whether she will be able to handle those things as well as he expects, time will tell. But she will be the one who holds the responsibility for them so at least I won't be the one to take the blame anymore.
I also don't want to be the reason their marriage would fail because of meddling on my part, but it could fail simply for reasons that have nothing to do with me or that are due to her own inability to handle having to share him. At one point, I don't remember when exactly in the whole process, he told me he thought the marriage with her had a 50-50 chance of succeeding. Kind of alarming to invest so much effort with such grim hopes but whatever. I've seen statistics, not sure if the source is reliable or not, that 70% of marriages to second wives in the country we live in end in divorce. And I told him that. First wives I think are more likely to bail from the outset when the man wants to marry another. They just won't even stay around to try it. If we stick it out though, our chances of surviving are pretty good.
If he does leave her, well that will be his choice. I will never tell him to do it because chances are if I made such a demand I would the one who would get booted and vice versa if she did, but if he were to come to me for advice I would cautiously help him analyze the situation, but not suggest what he do. She is the means to an end, and end that we both want although for different reasons, not the end herself, so that complicates things. He might not be entirely satisfied with her as a wife but because he still needs the end result, he might put up with it.
But my more immediate goal is just to do my best to ensure that he gets comfortable with having the two of us in his life. From time to time he feels he "can't" handle being married to two yet he knows that is what he has committed to. I feel sorry for him because really he is the kind of person I expected if he ever left me it would be to actually live ALONE, but I think it is a chance for him to grow and be more responsible and if he can actually handle it I will really respect him for it. I'm not putting a lot of pressure and expectations on him at the beginning although I have made my longer term expectations firm and clear and have told him the sooner the better. That's the truth. On the other hand, he has always had a tendency to declare in no uncertain terms that he is going to shirk some really big responsibility and refuse to do it but then when time comes to actually do it, he does it happily and without complaining as if he never made the previous declaration. We both agree and he is proud of the fact that he always does the right thing in the end so maybe that is what will happen with this and I have been putting myself through more stress than necessary. One of the first things I plan to do when I get home is to work on a project that I have had planned that also could serve as a man cave for him when he needs a place to escape from both of us.
I asked him at one point whether he would agree that he had a lot to learn about handling two wives and that he would make mistakes in the beginning. And he said yes. And I asked him if it would be ok if I told him in a polite way when he was making a mistake and how he could correct it, and he said Yes.
I've been learning a lot in this forum and reading DB and plan to get DR as well. I've already started to implement some changes and so far it is going ok. I feel a lot of confidence because I have done so much research and reading for months now not just here but other sites about polygamy, MLC, even polyamory sites and getting an idea what works, what doesn't, what sort of challenges are ahead and it's like I have prepared myself for a disaster with extra water and food and blankets, etc. and am prepared to use them and wait for the cleanup and recovery later. And the other wife, well, God help her because she is getting herself involved with an MLCer and is very young and has no experience in the world of marriage. From everything I have seen, as difficult as this is for me now, I am glad I am not in her shoes and much prefer my own.
I've written a lot but I just want to say one last thing and that is that perhaps the biggest difference between my situation and those of others here is that in the others whose spouses are having affairs is that they ultimately have to choose between one or the other. And the whole assumption is that they can't get through the MLC without choosing and that neither party will accept anything less than a full monogamous commitment. Ours is the opposite. The measure of success theoretically is keeping both and making both happy. And that is actually part of what is making me feel like I am searching and searching and not coming to a conclusions, I simply can't find anything at all about what to expect when you combine MLC with polygamy. I've read that it is often the cause of polygamy, but nothing more than that. So I really feel I am looking into a black hole to some extent. He's followed the MLC script so far, but at some point, he either has to dump one of us or write his own script.
