Budding

[mustardseed]

I had a date cancel on me tonight, so I will devote this time to working through this process V.

Glass of wine in hand (probably a violation of my body goal) and a delicious dinner I made from one of those food delivery teach you to cook services (under 600 kcals and cheaper than the take out I would have gotten so we are good). It is a nice date with me evening.

I'm even listening to old 70s and 80s love songs--my parents are always listening to this station and I found it online so whenever I feel like I wish I was there I turn it on. It is so wonderfully cheesy--but the lyrics and nostalgia really pull on my heart strings.

So my action plan.
Body--I already walk 15 minutes in the morning 15 minutes in the afternoon and evening and for at least 2 hours on weekends (usually at least 6 miles once or twice). My dog requires it and I love her for it. But I want to try and wake up earlier to get in at least one 3 mile walk on week days. It is getting dark too early. When my hours change I can maybe do sunset walks rather than sunrise walks. So I need to start waking up at 5:30.

If I can't walk--I can do dance parties for one at home I guess, for at least 30 minutes. I can't get to the gym. Can't afford it and won't get myself there if I am too tired. Also, I will start logging my food again on MFP at least 3 times a week.

Family: When a request comes up, rather than ignoring or flipping out or saying yes when i know it will stress me out, I will tell the kids--right now I can't give you an answer.

We had a talk about this last weekend when the kids told me that I ignore them when they ask me things. I told them, the problem is that I constantly have two lists running through my head--the schedule list, and the money list. When you ask me a question that effects one of those lists it sends me into panic mode. If I answer when you ask I will come across like a raving lunatic. IF you give me time, we can figure it out.

Then I gave them the analogy of cleaning off a messy desk. You set up a system and start going through the clutter one at a time. But when people keep handing you more things the only thing you can do to keep yourself from flipping out is to stick it on a "deal with later" pile. Funny thing was after I told them this and everyone had a chance to cool off D came into my room and cleaned off my cluttered desk, asking me where to put things and putting post it notes on all of the piles she created. She is so cute.

Work: already in progress. Got new cases with a better schedule and better hourly rate (which means I can cut down on the hours a bit)starting November. spoke to the client I will be dropping and sending an email tomorrow to tell the agency that I need to drop the case.

Fins: I use an envelop budgeting system that I love. It worked magic when I was trying to get our family budget on track (although H resented me taking over things, and it might have been a big reason for my marital breakdown--it worked).

So I have monthly targets but I only budget money I already have. That means that my budget is not always the same from month to month. Right now because I am playing catchup, it is hard for me to keep realistic amounts in certain categories, but my first step is to start right now with what I have. So far I am doing ok with October. I am short on cash this month because I was late on submitting some billing so I still haven't received August or September pay for my cases--probably why I am so stressed right now, but once those checks come in I think I will be back on track. My goal is to stay within my spending limits for the next two months--putting anything extra into a buffer category.

Then after I stabalize the spending, I will start throwing as much as I can to the debts. Because my pay is variable I also have to make sure I continue to fund my buffers for lean months. I know what my average monthly income needs to be to make ends meet. I need to be careful to save any months when I make more than that amount for those months I will be making less. This means i have to stop playing whack a mole with my categories knowing I can deal with excess later. Even if it is true, it should only apply to non-negotiables like rent and electricity.

Social: My calendar has been pretty full, but only because I am dating and that is not what I want to be relying on for a social life. I have my relatives and when there is something I want to do I reach out to them first because I can usually find someone interested and I don't take it personally when I get the brush off. Then I have my old closest friends who I can also be rejected by without taking it personally. They never want to do anything. It is the newer friends that I have met that I am worried about coming across as clingy or annoying. Especially since they are almost all connected either to my Ex and his job, or my old job and both situations I am still unsure about where I fall in the gossip mill. So if I reach out or run into someone and they seem genuinely interested in getting together, but then things fall through I can't tell if it is because they are really too busy or if it is because they really don't want to be around me. One thing my ex told me during one of our many fights is that I am delusional about my relationships with people. Implying that I think I have friends who aren't really my friends. That stays with me--and the fact that most of my old "friends" are also her friends I can't help but wonder. When I see people whose company I always enjoyed at school functions, but OW is with them, I am faced with the isolation of knowing that none of them were my friends to begin with.

But then, on the other hand, my old friends from before XH are connected to his family, and they are still loyal to me. He rejected them. So I guess the reality is that he isn't really right that I have no real friends, just that the past 10 years our social life was built by him in the way he wanted it to work. Keep me just close enough to feel secure, but never on the inside with his crowd.

So making new friends is essential. Disconnected from old job and XH. I am going to start with people I work with. I already have connected to a few people when we are one on one, but now I have to stop being shy and withdrawing when we are in groups.