Just catching up on your sitch ..... I could have written much of it 3 years ago. My wife accused me of much of the same, did not want to be friends, it was over and I just had to accept it as she went on with her A ... Catholic like yours and received Eucharist despite being adulterous.
This will be the hardest thing you will ever do, just know that. But also know you will become a better man because of it all. Listen to job and FY, along with the vets here. The sitches are different but much of the advice is the same and you can learn by reading and getting a better grip of MLC on the hows and whys ... first thing to accept is she is in crissi, not your fault but currently she is blaming you for everything as you are the obstacle in her mind to her getting to true happiness (again a myth but one they hold onto for some time)
Mine also thought we would be D and best friends ... they have this all planned out what life will be like after D, reality has a different look but the fog does not allow them to see that.
My advice to you ... like FY said ... BREATHE. You need to slowly start detaching from the sitch, when she brings up D in a most unemotional way reply "I am sorry you feel that way, D is not what I want" and walk .... buy a spew jacket because you will need it .. I had to get 2. Put it on and sip your STFU smoothie and let her yell and holler herself tired and simply walk away.
Just know you will not fix this, nothing you say or do will be the magic fix or the end to it all, they need time to get through their crisis and all you can do is focus on yourself and your kids
