MLC & Alcoholic

[HaWho]

Kdvor - my gut tells me that if you have found this place/forum then you were looking for an explanation of what has happened to him. That's how I landed here. Yes, my marriage was not perfect. But my h was nuts.

I have written this before but on Easter 2015, my h texted me from his dorm room (it's what I call his recreation of our downstairs spare bedroom) and told me he was "done with me." 5 minutes later, he came out and cheerfully (no lie) asked me if I wanted a glass of wine! That night I started researching brain tumors. Days later I stumbled here and was SHOCKED to see my h has every symptom of MLC. Have you read about the 6 stages of MLC? Definitely search it, because you'll start to piece things together.

In MLC, their empathy chips are busted; they just don't seem to care about others or their feelings. It's weird until you get used to it.

Confession: I did once threaten divorce. My h, I think, is a particularly deviant MLCer in that he outright asked for an open marriage (he wanted to live a double life!!!). He wanted to find women who would look at him "meaningfully" but he told me he would only spend a few hours with her/them. He said he would not introduce our kids to her and so I asked how "meaningful" will this relationship be then? He had ZERO logic and couldn't explain this rationale. So I told him I knew EXACTLY what kind of women would be the side piece to a married man and that I would file for divorce to protect my kids' assets. He told me he was "trapped." I said, no, you can divorce. He never did.

So, if you've just been bombed, it has been going on forever and ever already for him. Job would tell you he probably entered "this" 18-24 months before he bombed you. Maybe a death, job change, etc. triggered him.

No, you are not crazy. Deep down, you know something is wrong with him and that's why you started researching. You will hear all sorts of nutty things now. He will contradict himself constantly and seem very confused. The wires in their brains are scrambled. Say nothing and he will talk. No matter what he says just listen and things will become clearer. Don't dispute his re-writing of things. My h told me we were never happy--which is very interesting since he proposed to me and we have albums of happy pictures.

The MLCer who stays home (and does not move) recreates his childhood home. The spouse becomes the authority figure against whom they begin to rebel. My h has actually said things verbatim that he said to his mom during tumultuous early years of his life. In his childhood h lived in a tiny, messy apartment. My h has not cleaned his room or bathroom since March. He complains about his bedroom just as he complained (bitterly) about his childhood apartment. He is using many of the same coping skills he used as a teen (closing his door and playing music). He has calmed down since his heydey of replay and spends 99% of his time locked in his dorm room. He told me he used to sit in his closet all day as a kid. In the last 2 years he has come upstairs (where my kids and I sleep) 5 times.

If your h's still inviting you to social events, my advice? Go and just mirror him, if it's not too painful. Try to be supportive. He is not himself right now and as hard as you have it? He has it waaaay worse. You'll begin to see that. Stay quiet and just listen.

As for the light at the end of the tunnel? You have to make it for yourself and your kids. Keep busy and make the home comfortable/as normal as possible.

You can do this. Post often.