MLC & Alcoholic

[HaWho]

Hi Kdvor - I have a live-in MLCer who has not moved out (or grown up). I saw your question about how you detach with him in the home. I can try to give you some pointers based on what has worked and what has not worked for me.

First and MOST important do not ask any questions about where his head is at. The confusion is too great so the answer will only give you a quick snapshot of that moment. It's kind of like "Snapchat!" You see it and then poof it's gone and you have no proof you ever saw it. It's like a pinball machine on LSD in their minds. Give him loads of time and space. Don't ask any questions about where he's been/what he's doing/where he's going.

I would advise you to sort of mirror his behavior. If he's friendly and chatty, engage (tentatively, but STILL NO relationship talks). If he's distant, don't push for conversation; leave him alone. However, this is a chance for you to think very carefully about how to treat someone who is not at all himself. They DO remember the way they were treated. So, think carefully about that and try to be consistent in the way you do treat him (this one was very hard for me to do). I try to treat my husband like a house guest with some personal problems.

If you feel pressure or stress, try to leave and work that off on the sidelines. This is something I still do and I am two years post BD. In fact, find a way to get the stress out: yoga, walking, running, taking kids out, etc.

If you have teenagers, I find MLC to be very similar: tremendous moodiness, irrational behaviors, secrecy, regression of logic, poor decision making abilities, lots of anger/resentment, confusion, etc. It's remarkably similar. However, I also seen my h present as a little boy on a handful of occasions, too. So, I think he was probably stunted around age 6 or 7 (which makes sense based on his childhood) and I think he's growing up from there.

Read all you can so that you understand what is going on. Before this happened to me I never believed in MLC. Now, I live it and I can promise you it is very, very real.

Make sure you take care of your kids and yourself.