Does your wife want to work towards reconciliation?
Interesting question. No interest has been communicated, no hints, xW stated she wanted to move forward with discussing co-parenting only and not discuss the past. I am pretty confident the answer is no. I haven't asked. I don't know that I want to know. If certain triggers came up during counseling, I was planning to ask point blank. For example, if she asks anything about my happiness in R with GF, I would ask "why, are you hoping to try again?" She would likely say no, at which time I would then say "then why are you asking?" I think it would be a trigger for her to mentally drawn the line in her head... again... that she chose this path. If she said "yes".... oh boy, not sure what I'd say. I think I would say something that would pretty much guarantee we wouldn't have a future together... something crazy like "after everything you have done, how do you plan to fix it?"
The fact that I have GF is likely keeping that conversation at bay. And I still have NO clue if there is OM!
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I wonder if with the new relationships, it is easier to communicate because the past hurts and resentment aren't there.
I'm sure, but I also assume that is always the case with new R. Well, I am sure some people do carry their resentment into the next R, which would make it a very short R. I also assume that patterns will only repeat in the new R if the new person has a similar personality as the previous. xW and GF are nothing alike in personality, the biggest difference being an extremely positive outlook of GF, compared to xW being so negative that she can create negative out of positives.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
You mentioned new girlfriend was divorced once as well? I am sure she has learned and reflected upon (like myself) how not to communicate with a boyfriend/husband.
Yes, GF's D was 6 years ago, I graduated high school with both of them. Her xH is a compulsive cheater, cheated a few times while M'd to my GF, he M'd one of the new girls, argued and physically fought with his new W, then cheated on her, D'd again, has a new GF he met online and had move in with him within a week of meeting her, and proposed within the next week. He has prioritized his GF's over his own kids continuously since their D. My GF has had to be essentially the sole parent and role model, picking up the pieces when her xH would stand up the kids. It's pretty clear who the problem was in that R. GF says she did in fact bottle things up and make assumptions rather than ask, and probably was a door mat. Her next BF was worse. With me she says she finally feels free to share her thoughts openly. Plus I ask a LOT! Did she learn how to communicate better, and then met me? Or did her communication improve because she is finally with someone who actually cares to hear what she has to say?
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I wonder if with past relationships, we learn from our mistakes and are able to implement improvements with the new relationships. Kind of like starting out with a clean slate. Or if we just haven't had time to hurt each other yet. And if miscommunication, laziness, taking each other for granted is inevitable.?
xW went to see my IC shortly after BD... As my IC would say, IC "spit in xW's soup" a few times. One comment was "you can only be controlled if you allow it." Another quote IC said to xW "one problem with D, you are both going to grow, but someone else will benefit from his (mine) growth."
So yes, we have the choice to grow, to learn, to not make the same mistakes. Yes, we could end up with someone just like the ex, if we so choose. Yes, with time comes the possibility of building up resentment and being right back where you are, if we so choose. So, pick someone who has good solid morals and a positive outlook on life, treat them well, be 100% open and honest, and talk about things that bother you instead of bottling them up.... and if it doesn't work out, find someone else! Before committing your life to them. That's where I screwed up last time, I had only spent a few days with xW before we got M'd. Even in that time there were HUGE red flags going up all over the place, and I ignored them. I knew something wasn't right, my family, even distant relatives, urged me to not M her.
Moral of the story, there are an amazing number of rotten people out there. So, don't pick one of them! I chose to be with GF not because she has all the same interests, likes the same food, reads the same books, and other stupid superficial stuff like that. We discuss everything openly and honestly. We make each other feel safe sharing anything and everything. We both have been hurt before but we CHOOSE to open our heats to love again. We both want to better our lives, through hard work and dedication. We have common goals for ourselves and for our lives. We both have a thirst for knowledge and understanding. We don't get stuck with specific thought processes, but are open to new ideas. We don't have a "fantasy R" where we say we are "sole mates." We work together on projects, we work together on chores, we play together. We both are fully capable of functioning on our own, but we instead compliment each other's life.
Even with what I know today, even now experiencing how much better the R is with GF..... I did enjoy being with xW. If I could go back as far as I wanted and change things, I still say I would go back to the day we met, and NOT MEET. If I could go back just one year, just before the OFP, I would have still tried everything I could to try to improve the communication, and try to work it out with xW. I honestly believe a few simple statements and changes from me could have made all the difference in the world. Then again if I knew then what I know today... what xW is capable of doing when things go wrong, I would have been quite paranoid, and I would have still lost all respect for her.
Wow, that was a pointless rant on my part, LOL. Chock it up to "journaling" I guess.
