Bulldog, the W's OM lives 800+ Iles away, so she won't see him out. I'm as sure as I can be that A is over.
journaling: yesterday, I went to a football game with some friends, my team won, and we had fun. came home, showered, then was waiting on S to wake from nap, so I laid with my W in her bed since she has monitor. we just small talked, nothing big, but the vibe felt good fwiw, not cold or anything.
S woke, and I went to my parents with S, had dinner with them, then went to friends house and played cards. it was a fun night, and I didn't feel sad or down or anything, I felt good.
the W had plans to go out with friends. this morning we talked. I wasn't going to ask about her night, but she asked what we did, so I told her. I asked if they went to anywhere new, she said no, then said, they didn't end up doing much, basically going to a bar, which was mostly dead, then hitting waffle house.
she actually texted me at midnight asking if I was coming home, and I said probably (and I did end up home).
not trying get to read into anything, just noting.
before I left this morning to go running, I did tell her this was hard for me because I do still love u. she just nodded and uh huh, or something. it did the really bother me, but I just wanted to see her reaction.
until next message, good luck everyone with ur life and relationships.
Funny. I was going to say this was actually perfect. The "I love you" was nuanced as you were explaining your behavior and your difficulty with the current situation because you still love her versus saying "I love you" and hoping she'd say it back. Still probably reminds her of feelings she doesn't have right now which leads to her thinking she just has to follow through with the divorce so, in the future, you might refrain from "i love you" speeches and temperature taking because she isn't capable of "loving" anything right now anyway.
You GAL'ed and went about your day having fun with friends out and about and your wife "chased" you. You came home at her request and then met her needs for conversation without forcing it. Hopefully, you were the one that cut it short and you didn't pursue sex again (you'd just been shot down the night before). Don't overly pursue.
Her affair is over. You said you are convinced it's over so while you remain in Step 3 of the Last Resort Technique you can see and sense your wife reaching out to you a bit so the doing NOTHING 1st phase of Step 3 isn't mandatory (nor do I think it's advisable). Your presence isn't bothering her. You aren't smothering her. You aren't chasing her around the house. With OM gone there is a empty space now where someone (you?) can hopefully step in as a friend and listening ear to guide her back to safety strategically. I think what you appear to be doing is strategic and not overly pursuing but receptive to communication and angling towards building some trust back.
If she actually separates and files for divorce, you'll have your chance to go back to "doing nothing" under a more protective and strict 180 plan. In fact, it might be more effective then because you demonstrated and made clear by that point that you do want to recover, would be receptive to recover, cherish her, want her and won't neglect her anymore should she come back. This period may give you the opportunity to demonstrate your changes and should she later follow through with separation, then pull back into nothing mode under the last chance resort method.
Below I will post again, Michele Weiner Davis's blog post about the Last Resort Technique. It's frustrating to see you actually doing what the author/sponsor of this forum's plan is and getting scolded for it.
One of three things happens when you use the last-resort technique.
1) Nothing.
Unfortunately, there are times when, no matter what you do, your spouse has firmly shut the door on your marriage. I tell you this because I don’t want you to think that this is a magic bullet. It isn’t. However, even if your marriage doesn’t improve when you do the last resort technique, your mental health will. I promise you. So many people have thanked me for suggesting this technique because it gave them back their dignity. They felt so lost and out of control prior to employing this method. With your self-esteem in place, you will feel more prepared to take on whatever comes your way. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but since it is a possibility, you should know about it. Having said that, you should also know that there are two other responses you might observe in your spouse.
2) Your mate becomes curious.
S/he might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend some time together to talk or do something enjoyable. It’s also possible that your spouse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here’s my advice:
Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic. Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all. Do not ask any questions about your future together. Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Continue to be upbeat. Do not say, “I love you” Resist getting into conversations about your marriage. Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways. The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partners new interest, but not too responsive. If you go overboard, your partner will get cold feet. I’ve seen it happen many times before. If you are excited that the last-resort technique is working, share it with a friend, write it in your journal, go for a run around the block, but don’t wear your emotions on your sleeve.
You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse’s renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you’re met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can. Resume your interested but distant stance until things move in a more positive direction. This might take a whole lot longer that you would like, weeks, even months. However, you must be patient. As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it’s okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern. It will try your patience, but what else do you have to do right now that could be as important as trying to save your marriage? Be patient.
3) Your spouse might have an overnight change of heart. That is, s/he might want to abandon any thought of divorce and jump right back into things as if nothing had ever happened. This third possibility is the least likely, but it does happen occasionally. I have some advice for you if this does happen. Don’t move too quickly! It’s really important to pace yourselves. If you act as if nothing had happened between you, it’s only a matter of time before your spouse will have second thoughts about the decision. You didn’t get to this place of disharmony overnight and, as much as you’d like to forget that it had ever happened, you probably won’t get things back on track overnight. So if you’ve been separated, don’t jump right into being together again. If you’ve been emotionally miles apart, don’t spend every waking minute at each other’s sides and don’t abandon all of your other interests. You have to back into your marriage cautiously. If you don’t, and really deal with the problematic issues before you recommit, you might find yourselves in the same situation a few weeks or months down the road.
As you do the Last Resort Technique, it might be useful to keep a solutions journal. Keep track of any and all changes you see in your spouse or your marriage. And remember, you should look for small signs of change. This might include a spouse who is a little more talkative than before, or one who emails you for the first time in months, even if the email is mundane in content. If you are living under the same roof, a small change might consist of your spouse spending time in the same room as you when in the past. s/he has avoided your presence.
Keep your eyes open and be patient. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
