A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

hawker, yeah, I'm excited about my R with my D. It's the one good things that's coming out of all of this. I'm with you that I'd thought I had found that one person, but the more I learn about relationships and the more I see how my W is now, the more I question that. Not looking to settle for something that's not beneficial for both W and I!

surfer, I still have my ups and downs, but the magnitude of them is waning. I've been able to fight back the outright disrespect from my W, but there's still a ton of resent and contempt lingering with her. Unsure how that ever clears itself up. At this point I'd give it a marginal chance of ever going away. Been slacking on gym time, but got back into the swing this weekend. That's a definite need as I need to build back up my energy!

Thanks to both of you for the words of encouragement! Now some journaling.

Been hovering in others threads the past few days. Haven't really been ultra motivated to get in here and put down details. Unsure how I feel right now, but I know that I'm tired and mentally/physically drained.

Part of me wants to take the reins on this S thing and shove it over the finish line. W hits me multiple times per day, every day asking for this detail or that. Some of the stuff I only have access to (work stuff) and some of it we both have access to via our mint.com account where I've always tracked our finances.

W continues to be a drag at home as well. I can't do anything right, she won't have a conversation with me, she won't even respond with a yes or no most of the time when asked a question. I've gotten rid of most of the eye rolling, "joking" about me with D, and other overt disrespect, but this attitude stuff still lingers.

For example, W and I agreed that I'd do the evening routine one night each week (homework, dinner, meds) after I went to my Ds tennis lesson on Wednesdays/Thursdays. Come home Thursday and start working on homework w/ D and W tells me that it's not my night to do it, bc I'd been home Monday (Columbus day holiday). I tell W that's not what we agreed to, but she's adamant I'd used "my one day" that week. I re-send her the text where we agreed to things, but she doesn't budge. Now I'm going to need to setup a firm schedule for that to let her know fully my expectations.

Then yesterday, W gets upset about the washing machine. Tells me that every time I use it it breaks the next time she uses it. I show her what I'm doing, it's no different than what she's doing, and she still is mad that I'm "breaking" the washing machine. No apologies from me, but I will probably look to get someone out to look at it.

Yesterday evening, my day to do my Ds meds and Food, W gets upset bc I don't put probiotics and fiber into Ds water for dinner. I'm out in the garage after and she comes out to talk. Tells me that's the reason her and D don't trust me and I need to come up w/ a way to remember to do that stuff and D will get really sick if I don't. First, I know D won't get sick. Second, I tell her that while I understand her concern, I continue to tell her I need more hands on experience w/ "her" routine if she wants me to follow it. She gets upset and says there's no way she'd let me do it more bc I can't follow simple instructions. She says I can move away and do the routine anyway I want if it's that unimportant to me.

I've got a 4 day business trip coming up next week and W was pressing me yesterday for what time I'm leaving on Sunday. Who knows what that's for, but could be for a trip to see OM. We'll find out later in the week I guess.

All of the above are why I'm tired and feel ready to pull the ripcord at times. It's almost like I'm sick and tired of the unnecessary drama. I'm really starting to rip back into the past few years of our MR and it's tough to see my W ever opening up to correcting our issues. It's discouraging and I feel like there's no headway from anything that I do currently. I'm not saying that in a sad and frustrated way, just more of a weary onlooker kind of way. I find myself at what I believe to be the gray between detached and dependent, but with more of a leaning towards detached. Swings at times, but most swings have been toward detached.

The counter to all of the above is that I still love my old W. I still love my D. I still love my family. New W is attacking all of that and I find my inner being wanting to defend until the end.

I am reaching a place now, though, where I'm not slowing the process. If W needs info then I provide it, but I also provide it to my Ls if I haven't already. Based on Ws questions, I believe my Ls are ahead of hers in regards to finances. Should have my first draft done next week. Hers was supposed to be to me 2 weeks ago. Unsure when they will get it done, but based on her pressing me for details, it seems like she's going full speed ahead.

I still don't want this D, but I'm at a place where I'm ok with it if that's what it comes to. D and I went out yesterday and hunted pokemon at a new park and had a blast doing it. I did feel like my energy level was low though and it wasn't as fun for her as it could have been. Need to keep working on myself. D and I also spent a bunch of time together Saturday morning, before she hung out with friends and Sunday afternoon when we were relaxing after our morning trek. D is an amazing kid and it's exciting to watch her grow into her own.

I've convinced D that we would have a great time going to the mountains I'd scouted out last Monday. Hoping to get up there before it gets too cold her, but may need to wait until the spring. Think we're going to go back to the park from sunday next weekend so we can go do some stuff we didn't get a chance to. It's going to suck being away from D next week for 4 days though. Worries me leaving her w/ W for those days as well. I'm convinced that W and I are a good mix for D and having only my W around imparts a decent amount of negativity and stress on D.

So, that's it. I'm ok with my future. I'd like my W in it, but if not, then I know my D will be in it. Continuing to work on me. Some good reading on Trust in relationships and how it relates to game theory and probabilities. Right up my alley and I feel like it's helping me build some skills for the future, or at least better frame things in my mind.

Thanks all for your support as always!!!