Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[sandi2]

Ok. Yesterday morning we talked for an hour with her shedding some tears etc. I turned her sex offer down. I feel she was working me.

She was working you, indeed! Good job for seeing it for what it was.

And I want to share that I am and can do the detachment stuff and also I made the real decision to not be scared of D, even though I hope we can mend.

Okay, but you did not share this with her, did you?

She says good words today about realizing she is being selfish, kids like school here and have made friends. Selfish was used several times. From this website I have learned not to believe what she says. It is a little tough on this one because it seems like she meant that with some examples.

She is seeing how she could lose, and it's b/c you are handling the situation like a man, and not pleading and/or accomadating her waywardness. Just stand tall, and not say too much about what you will or won't do at the moment. See how the next couple of days go. Stay detached. The minute you cave to her, thinking things are patched up........she will be right back into her cr@p behavior.

I let her know that I was giving her space and time.

This is okay..ish, but it reminds me of something to warn you. A lot of guys will verbally pass along to his WW the things the board tells him to do. For example, he should not tell her he is working on improving himself to be a better H..............how he's setting goals and going to change for the better,...............how he's focusing on himself......GAL.......that he's detaching..............or that he plans to validate her more..........or whatever he read from DR. Some things are not to be said to the WW, just applied by the H. (However, you may get help for the board about how to state certain other things, but that's different than what I'm referring to here). Confused yet?

I assume this will take months from reading the stories. But wondering since this was a long distance affair... or something else... will it always take months.??

It doesn't have to take months. It depends on how quickly she pulls out of her waywardness. Long distance has nothing to do with her fantasy. She was getting something out of the A that made her feel like alive, desirable, beautiful, etc. It is that "high" that is addictive. It's not the man, himself. That is why some women go from one affair into another, b/c it's the thrill of the secrecy, the "sinfulness" that heightens the senses.

Until she actually tells you that she is willing to do whatever it takes to save the M, progress will be slow. B/c here is what she'll try. First, she will want to keep all the benefits she gets by being in this M. Benefits like a nice home, car, clothes, insurance, having a H to do things that most H's do, and she doesn't have to hold down a job, etc........(especially, since OM is poor). So, she gets a lot of benefits being M to you, right? Okay, so then she will pretend to play house and be nice, may even have sex.......but she continues to keep her OM on the sideline. It's very easy to continue secretly contacting another person, with all the phone/computer apps provided. And as long as she can contact the OM, her A addiction is fed. Where does that leave you? In a MR with three people.

If allowed, a WW will even agree to give the MR another chance, but she wants to pick up where the R was left off, so to speak. B/c she really has no intentions of putting forth the emotional work that would be required to repair the MR. She doesn't want to talk about her unfaithfulness. She just wants to make everything the H's fault (even her A).

Long distance affairs can last a long time, if the H is none the wiser. The W will throw her H a few crumbs along the way.......just to keep him off her back, and in the M. Ending the contact with the OM is critical to having a faithful W, and a successful MR.

Yes, you can give her some space and time, but nothing much between will be "true" until she makes the decision to end her A. And she needs to understand the importance of not engaging in any future private friendships that exclude her H.

So, first things first. While you are giving her space and time.........be thinking about yourself and what you want from your W. How do you want to be treated? Is there anything you will not tolerate? Just think about it, and maybe write it down. Do not discuss any of this with your W.

Go back to the link about boundaries and think about where you need to have a boundary. Boundaries are to protect yourself. They are not ultimatums. Ultimatums are about the other person and their actions. Boundaries are about you and what you will do to protect your feelings.

I recommend you think about what you will need from her, in order for you to feel emotionally safe in the MR again. I don't believe the WW should be the one who calls the shots about what it will take to go forward in the MR. The betrayed spouse should have conditions to reconciling. For example, she must end her affair, and agree to complete transparency. After she has gone through withdrawals of the A (which could be weeks or many months.....depending on her limerance, she agrees to MC that deals with couples reconciling after an affair. Although, if she has no remorse/humility over her actions, I doubt MC will help. But that's probably a ways off.

It is important that you not offer to tell her what will be required.......if she doesn't ask. What I mean is that many H's get into a hurry and tell the WW when she isn't even interested in considering reconciliation. Although I am giving you a lot of information today, pace yourself. That's important. I am just trying to give you things you need to avoid, expect, and be prepared.