[BrightFuture]

Sotto, thank you for your post and for our concern. Yes, I do ask myself more and more these days, if it I need to cut all the remaining ties to truly move on with my life. You are right pointing out that “the oven temp” is very low, hahaha. Job also mentioned it multiple times that my H is a very slow MLCer. Maybe because he just didn’t have it hard enough… He didn’t hit the rock bottom… His life is not what it used to be with me, but I think it better than what it used to be when he was a teenager, freshly out of his broken “family” house (he lived with his Mother after his parent’s divorce.)
And, yes, I constantly ask myself, if this works for me. I might be delusional (like some of my friends think), but most of the times I do think that it works for me. I don’t know. I’m not a very good at expressing my thoughts, like other people here. I might be conveying something that I don’t intent to… Like, every time I mention H’s mail, people think that I’m so upset with it, and they suggest to do something about it, to cut it… to tell him to find another source… etc… And, most of the times, I’m just constituting the facts… no more. Yes, I do wonder what is on his mind… when he is still relying on me for his mail… But, as far as I’m concerned, I can always tell him to find some other arrangements… Sotto, to answer your question about this mail thing… yes, I think if I cut this off, I will be closing the door… Which, I think is already more than half way shut anyway… I am trying to work on shutting it all the way up… I just feel something is still holding me from it… I need to figure out what it is… that is holding me…

Life Twists, great to see you here! I don’t know if I missed your updates, but I would like to see some! I hear you about wondering how long this thing lasts. You’ve been at this for a long time too (only about 6 months less than me, LOL), and you are right, it is very frustrating to see them come closer and then pull away again. Yes, I’m also trying to give myself time and space… But… I’m also trying to find the ways to cut it loose. Apparently, I’m not as courageous as other people are. And H is not doing anything to end it, which would probably be devastating for me at first, but then it would be all done… How do I find a courage and energy to do it myself? I think at this point I would be ok with him initiating a D process, I would go along and do whatever is necessary to bring this to an end and protect myself at the same time.

Sometimes I want to do something very drastic to provoke H to start the D process. But… for some reason I just cannot bring myself to initiate this on my own. I know, my friends would call me a weak person…