Shelob's Lair

[Zues126]

Thanks JB. We've all had some good times on these forums in the middle of some not so good times. It's odd, I am both pretty open and pretty reserved at the same time. Pretty open in who I am, how I feel, whatever, but pretty reserved in actually getting close to people. Partly to protect myself, partly because I feel some forms of intimacy should be reserved for just one other person. But for sure I've appreciated your support and that of all of our DB group so much. I'm in a much better spot thanks to the help I've received along the way, so thank you very much. Some updates:

Work: Exhausting to think about it. Again, I work for the bank who's CEO 'retired' last week. It's been a crazy month. I don't work directly at a bank, but my business line is directly related to banker activity. Based on the recent events the 4th quarter isn't about doing business, it's all about rebuilding consumer confidence, and steering the culture to be more customer friendly than ever before. These are good changes and it's too bad that it took this and so long to get there, but it's been moving that direction for a while too.

What makes it tricky is that the bank still has to bring in revenue unless it intends to cut head count. My division is telling us they aren't cutting heads, but the revenue we are bringing in right now is a fraction of what it was 6 months ago. It's a little hard to see how we'll move forward in 2017. At some point we have to find a way to do business in the new environment or something's got to give. But as of now I'm being told that we're going to get paid until they find a way forward, and that they're willing to take some short term losses to ensure they have their elite sales force in place to start rebuilding once they realign and adapt to the new frontier. Specifically it sounds like I won't have any sales goals for the rest of the year and they'll just throw a lot of money at me to keep me. Quite frankly this is exactly the right move, as anyone that read my prior posts knows that I've been struggling at work and that for me to struggle that means that the game has been unwinnable. But we haven't been told what we'll get paid this month, or going forward, or what they expect us to do. And while this all sounds great, it's a bit unnerving to sit around and not do business and trust it will all be ok. I DO think it will be, and that it will pan out to where the job is winnable again. But it's been an interesting time to be sure. In any case it's better than it was prior to the news breaking, because at least now it gives us the opportunity to re-calibrate.

Kids: Family is awesome. We finished Lord of the Rings about a month ago. I didn't immediately start a new book because I wanted to get time to decompress. Once again I'll share it was the best time in my life. The last few weeks we just digested it, relived it, and watched the movies. Mostly to honor the books, because there's no way to match them on screen. But they are pretty cool just because it is such an epic tale.

We have been playing chess and working on chess puzzles still as well. My D9 blew me away a couple of weeks ago. She played a game against the computer that amazed me for a few reasons. Yes, she played well and won, but that was just the start. She was so composed. It was breathtaking. I mean, she took a total of about 45 minutes on her side, which is a serious battle for a 9 year old. She would pause each move, and I could see the wheels turning. She would calmly consider options, ideas, prioritize, and then come up with a logical and good feeling move. Many of the moves were spot on. In particular, there was one time when she was done developing and facing the tricky part of the middle game- 'now what?' There was no obvious plan. But to me, after looking, I could see a series of 4 moves that would really open up the position and give her an initiative. It was like she sensed it was an important part of the game, because she spent a total of 15 minutes on this move...then she found the idea, and played the exact four moves I was thinking of. Later in reviewing with the chess computer engine it turns out those were the computer recommended moves as well. Again, finding it was just half of it, the way she worked through it blew me away. The other piece was how she handled her emotions. Early in the opening she lost a pawn. She didn't panic, or cry, or get desperate. She really regrouped. Sipped her drink. Took a few deep breaths. Then just took her time, and started fresh from the new position. Later when she was starting to develop a winning position she didn't start rushing, or getting too emotional. She again would breath, sip her drink a few times, consider moves, and continued to make good choices. Her focus was incredible, 45 minutes of just total focus and refocusing on the goal. In the end she got there, and while she is playing a technically beginner level game, her approach was years ahead of her time. I have seen top competitors not deliver their game so smoothly. She really is my little girl. It may not always work that way, but for her to even touch that is incredible to me. And meaningful to her as well, it was clear.

My D5 is starting to see too. She doesn't see as deeply, but she has just surprised me again and again with seeing ideas immediately that are the key to solving tricky puzzles or end game studies.

OK, enough chess. I've wanted to spend more time with S12, so today I took him to a classic arcade, the kind that has original 80s arcade games. No coins, play all day for free for $7. We had some Foosball and air hockey mixed in, but mostly just goofy old games. We remember them affectionately, but most of them were pretty bad. But he loves his computer games, and it was a cool trip. Then on the way home we got him: HIS FIRST CELL PHONE! He is 12 and the best computer programmer under 18 in half the state, and up until now he is also the only kid over 10 without his own phone. I was waiting until XW got her own plan so I could adjust mine. She finally did, so I got him the phone. And I went all out and got him the Iphone 7. He is so happy, he can't believe it. I don't spoil him all the time, but this was worth it.

Oh, now that LOTR is settled, next weekend they're over here we're going to start reading Dune by Frank Herbert. That was my favorite book as a kid, I literally had about half of it memorized. I think that will be fun.

What else to say? Not much. I know I talk chess and books a lot, but I'm making a point to do other things with them too. Drawing contest at my apartment building. And it's nice my mom lives with me, gives me 1:1 time with the kids when I want it, and she can do fun stuff with them too. Today the girls had fun while I was out, they looked up the history of fashion, laughing at big fluffy coats with feathers that used to be the rage, and the history of the little black dress, etc. Just living life I guess.

XW. Not much to say. I'm very dark, and very glad. She's getting on fine with her BF. She has still been pretty nasty to me at times. And a bit threatening. See, even though I have the children half the time, and even though we 'agreed' on it through mediation (only at the social services strong recommendation), she still is against it. She has mentioned to me a number of times how she thinks it's too hard on the kids. And now she's making a mountain out of any molehill that supports this. For example, my son was upset he couldn't take something to my place that was hers and she didn't want to come over. She used this as an argument to show how this was 'weighing on them'. Then my daughter left her stuffed animal at my place, and XW called and said (I can't recreate the drama in her delivery) something like "D9 just forgot her stuffed animal that she NEVER goes without...at-your-place ('your' being delivered in a high tone, like it was a catastrophe). She basically said that she would 'try' to get her through the night...she guessed...but that now it 'kind of brings up that dilemma again about this whole going back and forth thing'.

OK, I was pissed. First of all, there is no dilemma. They are my f-ing children and it will only be over my dead body that they don't get to live with me. I support 100% that they live with their mom as well, and that she has every chance to maintain a good parenting relationship with them. But I will not watch them grow up through a telescope because she thinks it's hard for them to go back and forth. I didn't ask to tear up the family, and the kids darn sure didn't. Look- being positive here, I should say that I do believe at some level we want the same thing- what's best for the kids. But for her to not see the value of them living with their dad is shocking to me. And it's really upsetting to see her undermine me and hurt my kids deliberately so she can build a case to try to reopen this issue. All I can do is document it and be ready to defend myself if she attacks me here. I find it rather twisted, but what else is new. None of any of this makes sense to me.

Me. Haven't thought much about me lately. I played pool last weekend and won back to back tournaments in a fairly small field. I'm hitting them good but am only playing twice a month, so nothing special. Just fun to play. Looking forward still to getting the table set up again, once I move. Ug. My dad will be back in town in a few weeks, one way or another we'll figure this out. For me the move and pool table is the last step in truly ending this chapter of my life. And we're closing in pretty quick.

Other than that I'm doing well. Not posting here as much, probably for the same reason I'm not looking for anyone new. Coming back to what I said about being reserved, I just think I do better being on my own. Who I am, what I want, what I'm looking for...more and more I just realize it's not how the rest of the world works. I know the standard replies are that there is someone out there, and that you have to be willing to risk getting hurt to find your love, all of that. But that is fairly trite. There may be people that there isn't someone out there for. There may be people that would simply be hurt too much because they aren't comfortable with the way the way things work. And I feel I am one of them. I don't need to focus on what those differences are, I'm not really looking to debate about them, just that they are there. I know when I can't win a game.

That sounds pretty conclusive, and I acknowledge that could change with time. I'm in no hurry. I have my best friend, we talk an hour a day, and he is like my soul brother. I have my children. I have a couple of really good buddies that work with me. And I have my parents. Now, all of this will change with time. I sometimes wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, because my parents won't be around forever, nor will my children, and what will I do when I have an empty nest in 10-15 years? It will be too late then to start a relationship that will encompass the same duration of my life. If that happens it happens, but I'm trusting that I'll find other ways to meet my own needs as my life continues to change.

I guess overall JB I'm doing as well as I ever have. It has been nice to get through most of this, and it will be even nicer to let the dust settle the rest of the way. I look forward to playing soom pool in the evenings, and to having a job that I can actually succeed in. But all in all I am doing so much better than I was that I have only appreciation for where I'm at.

I haven't bumped your thread because I didn't want to force you to reply, but I've thought of you a lot as well. Thanks for checking in and keep us posted on your march through life when you want. I may not post much, but I read a lot on here and always keep my eyes peeled. Thanks again JB and take care!