So, kind of a lot has happened since I was last here. Most notably, he got drunk last Friday (October 8) and said it was really hard to leave and that he missed me, and we had a talk and he didn't seem ready to think about getting back together, but he seemed closer. He seemed to be thinking about the possibility of getting back together in the future.
He wanted "meaningless sex" and said it wouldn't be taking advantage of me if we both agreed to it being meaningless. I told him it wouldn't be meaningless to me and he said "I miss you" and I thought he was trying to connect so I said I missed him too, and I know lack of sex was a big issue for him during the M so I thought I would show him that part can change too, so we had sex. Well, big mistake, I guess. he really wasn't into it, and then the next day he said he was mad at himself for "coming back to me" because it meant that he had failed.
He said he shouldn't tell me he misses me because it doesn't mean he's coming back, and that it just confuses me, and that he needs to "pull the rug out" from under me.
Then he was being really sweet the next few days. We were just talking about normal stuff, and somehow The Giving Tree got brought up, and I said I had never read it so he told me the story. We both got teary-eyed and I said "you're my giving tree" and he said "yeah" and I said "I'm sorry" and then changed the subject back to something light-hearted. Before bed he initiated a hug and said "good talk".
A few days later we get the email with our court date. January 9 at 2 pm. Seems too soon. He says not soon enough, but that he doesn't have to be in a rush. I tried really hard not to cry in front of him but it hit me too hard. he asked if I was freaked out over getting a court date, I said yes, he comes over and hugs me and says it'll be okay. I ask him why he's being nice to me. He says these bits of affection don't mean anything, he's just being nice because he's a nice person and he's nice to all his friends, but he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and that he doesn't think he ever could again. He's not coming back now, or in the future.
The next day we go to the gym together, I'm having trouble with a certain lift, and he comes behind me and grabs my hips to move me into position then wraps his arms around me to put his hands on mine to show me the move. Because that level of intimacy is something I show all my friends I don't have feelings for.
Ugh.
He's right about one thing: I AM confused...
Me: 29, H:28 Together 9 years, married 7 No kids BD/ILYBNILWY: July 9th, 2016
