Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel now I have reached a level of just reporting. I'm not sure I can offer my advice, and also I still feel not really ready yet to help newcomers!
This week has been so hard as I was unwell for most of it, and because of that my mind started to wonder a lot! It was making me crazy in a way, so I ask God to help me and it came through a conversation with my step daughter.
She came to spend the day with us to celebrate youngest birthday. We did talk a lot about H. She needed it, and so do I! I have learnt more hurtful things and won't go into details but it looks like H has been lying to me from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not sure about the cheating, but lying it has been confirmed by SD. She has no gain in manipulating me as she has a pretty very clear picture of who her father is.
As a result this (despite hurting me for the first couple of hours) has put me on another level for detachment. This is showing how much I have grown as it hurts but the amount I spent on dwelling is getting shorter every time. With all the information in my hand, I can say i no longer want to R nor save my M.
H isn't showing any sign of personal growth, better improvement for himself and/ or looking at his participation in the end of our M. I have realised that he is the rotten apple, who has consciencely drained me of my good side to boost his ego and when he got what he wanted he moved onto his next victim. He has left me feeling bad, doubting about my abilities and further more as crushed me like a nut! Now I can see why God has put me on this path.
I have fully accepted my situation, and now I see it as a blessing as I had lost myself very badly. I still won't initiate D as I feel H needs to face up to his responsibility for once in his life, but I know it won't happen anytime soon.
As for OW I feel sad for her if H has really told her that he won't marry again, won't have her moving in with him and won't have children. What kind of woman can accept that from her partner of 4 years! By the way I was right on the length H has been with her. H even told SD that he can't stand her kids! I'm sorry for her because she is really in love with him, and can't see that unfortunately what happened to me and H's first partner (SD confirmed suspicion of A while H was with her mum, but it wasn't the reason why they broke up: he walked on his first family!) is very likely to happen to her. As H doesn't want to commit to OW, said he won't be a step dad to her kids! H has already started sign of using her like he did with me.
With SD we agree he talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. Even if OW is also responsible for the break up of my M, she might have been a victim of my H smooth talk. There's no point of me trying to warn her as she won't believed me. I can only pray for her, so she doesn't get as badly injured as H's ex and me.
