Budding

[mustardseed]

I like your list, and I think it is on par with what I say. Just facts. i think it is in my best interest and the kids' best interest to stop making an enemy of OW--but denying what really happened to support their story doesn't sit well with me. The factual bullet point approach you have taken is the best way to handle it. Thank you V. As always you are an amazing support and always the voice off wisdom for me.

I am feeling a bit ungrounded lately. I don't know if it has to do with the loss of the non-r with distance guy--he occupied a lot of head space in a pleasurable way--and thinking of him helped me make better choices on those lonely days and nights when I didn't have the kids. I liked that bond--that tether. Even though we weren't in an R--thinking of him was enough. I feel like I am floating again--in an aimless windless sky and even though I am doing the GAL things I need to do I feel like I am doing it erratically right now. I am so busy during the week--then I feel like I need to fill my weekends without the kids with fun adult stuff--so I make hasty decisions just to fill that time.

I am not taking care of myself. I have put on weight. I have been spending too much money and I am just not really happy with me right now. I am seeing glimpses of old me right now--the me that H fell out of love with. I am not happy with the fact that I let XH and OW occupy head space again and my guess is that it happened because distance guy moved out of that space.

I am hoping this is all just a momentary thing that will pass. Today is the first day that I have been able to just sit--alone in my empty home and so I guess part of this flood of emotions and remorse is just a product of finally having time to let things sink in. It has been several months since I had that opportunity. I feel like I have been having a back-slide--but it might just be that I am having a moment of processing things that have happened recently--taking a break from moving forward to absorb all of the forward moving I have done over the past several months. It isn't a comfortable process but i guess it is necessary.