Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[lt0402]

Ok, all caught up now! You've been fairly busy as of late Surfer!

Oh dear. I fear I am not as detached as I thought....

I just had a call from W. We spoke for 23 mins. It was all genuine and if I am honest, I could feel myself falling back in love with her as we spoke [how mushy - what is going on with the real Surfer???]. Mostly listened to her and talked, not focussing on validation or anything of the sort really, spoke about kids and she agreed we should go to parents evening next week together. I presume she would say no. Really pleased with that.

My DB Coach has said to tell my W when she does something nice. Rather then just setting negative boundaries. So I sent her a text "Just wanted to say thanks. I like it when we have nice conversations." I haven't sent an message like that so far so it is a real 180. I will now sit back and observe. I get it might come across as pursuit but I will see what happens if she reacts well next time we talk I will try more of the same positive talk. If nothing happens, I won't do that again, unless there is something really nice in how we interact.

I presume this is the right thing to do - no idea TBH??

Surfer.

I actually think the text was a good thing to do. Heard any response back from her yet? I think when the W does something that is a positive, you are supposed to positively reinforce that behavior. Nothing over the top that could be viewed as pursuit, but a small comment seems appropriate. Just don't let her action knock you off your DB path and distract you from it!

All I do now a days is enforce my boundaries as my W keeps pushing. No opportunity to positively reinforce anything as her actions are typically negative towards me. That said, I'm attempting to show some warmth to her in the face of it. Something new and a 180 from recently. End of the day, I think we want some warmth and positivity in our interactions with our Ws Surfer. If not for our MR then for the coparenting aspect of things. It's easy to fall into a defensive trap around them, but keep some positive vibes in there too!

One other thing. You need to push the S agreement I think. It [censored], and I'm going through it now too, but I think it defines the sandbox y'all are playing in and the certainty gives you some comfort. Side effect is it could give her a reality check too. Hang in there Surfer! Just be you bud, you are a strong man!