I've been going through old threads of successful DB'ers. Some divorced and then ended up remarrying their spouse. I like reading the threads by the males as they tend to be very solution focused (the guys that respond to the thread starter) and give concrete do's and don'ts. It's like reading a strategy guide to DBing, lol.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hahaha! I totally agree with you about the males. I have been feeling the same too and have been focusing on their threads. They also seem more dedicated to their spouses and wanting to make it work. A lot of women seem to want to just bash their husbands here.
Ok, all caught up now! You've been fairly busy as of late Surfer!
Originally Posted By: Surfer
Oh dear. I fear I am not as detached as I thought....
I just had a call from W. We spoke for 23 mins. It was all genuine and if I am honest, I could feel myself falling back in love with her as we spoke [how mushy - what is going on with the real Surfer???]. Mostly listened to her and talked, not focussing on validation or anything of the sort really, spoke about kids and she agreed we should go to parents evening next week together. I presume she would say no. Really pleased with that.
My DB Coach has said to tell my W when she does something nice. Rather then just setting negative boundaries. So I sent her a text "Just wanted to say thanks. I like it when we have nice conversations." I haven't sent an message like that so far so it is a real 180. I will now sit back and observe. I get it might come across as pursuit but I will see what happens if she reacts well next time we talk I will try more of the same positive talk. If nothing happens, I won't do that again, unless there is something really nice in how we interact.
I presume this is the right thing to do - no idea TBH??
Surfer.
I actually think the text was a good thing to do. Heard any response back from her yet? I think when the W does something that is a positive, you are supposed to positively reinforce that behavior. Nothing over the top that could be viewed as pursuit, but a small comment seems appropriate. Just don't let her action knock you off your DB path and distract you from it!
All I do now a days is enforce my boundaries as my W keeps pushing. No opportunity to positively reinforce anything as her actions are typically negative towards me. That said, I'm attempting to show some warmth to her in the face of it. Something new and a 180 from recently. End of the day, I think we want some warmth and positivity in our interactions with our Ws Surfer. If not for our MR then for the coparenting aspect of things. It's easy to fall into a defensive trap around them, but keep some positive vibes in there too!
One other thing. You need to push the S agreement I think. It [censored], and I'm going through it now too, but I think it defines the sandbox y'all are playing in and the certainty gives you some comfort. Side effect is it could give her a reality check too. Hang in there Surfer! Just be you bud, you are a strong man!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I'm all about legal separation as it provides protection without the finality. Good luck.
Also waiting to see who Sara recommends reading up on. Good for all of us!
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Writers I have read: SM34 Jackthreebeans Crimson Sandi (she was a WAS)
There are some others but I am forgetting.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks Sara! The only one I've followed so far is Sandi.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Fair points. A 'feeling' that you 'think', bit confused on the vernacular. It's either/or I would assume. Okay I feel this could happen. But if it doesn't so what. It is a nice to have. But I want to be more focused on being okay and happy if it doesn't. I feel that leads to detachment or visa versa. Fearing the loss of somebody is nevertheless fear and a product of interdependency or attachment.
Okay, Surfer. So I read this paragraph several times and I am not following. Hopefully you can clarify.
What is either or?
You feel what could happen? But if it does not you will be okay?
What is nice to have?
What is "it" that you want to be okay and happy if "it" does not happen?
What leads to detachment?
I did get your point about fear of loss being a product of interdependency, although there are appropriate habits to overcome the fear...which is not real...but created in our own mind.
Originally Posted By: Surfer
Okay, yes, it's not just her choice, you are correct. But if the does not change, it's definitely not happening (getting back together) so ultimately there's a lot riding on my W's actions. I could just walk right now or take other courses of action so yes, not just about her.
Surfer.
What choices do you want to make? Now as your respond here, do so with the choices that you want to make right now completely independent of anything she does or does not do.
Sorry to hit you with so many questions for the first part, but I really was not able to clarify what you were trying to say in response to my questions.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Coach and Greek were a couple that reconciled and stuck around on the board.
Greek was the one that left, filed etc and Coach was the one that found the board originally. Greek also give some great feedback of the things Coach did that really made her think twice. There was no third party in this one but they stuck around on the board together helping many people.
