Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

Sandi,

I am not going to wait a year. I redid the numbers, so with the exchange rate, cost of living is equal. Moving up three will put S4 in pre-K for free which will save me $1K per month. S2 will be able to go in 2 years which will save me 9K in 2 years. The remaining daycare/nanny costs are the same.

Moving anywhere, whether in Michigan or Toronto will get me out of this limbo. I am choosing Toronto because I do not want the boys travelling every month back and forth for a 10 hour round trip plus holidays/spring breaks. If I come to see my family 4 to 6 times per year that is good enough for me. I also just want the change for myself. I truly do not want her anymore. She is who she is and I don't want to be with a person who is so toxic and does not want to make the effort to understand me and my feelings.

As stated before, quality of life is better, and I do have friends there to GAL. There are more Greek people there and I would prefer if I do remarry to have them be Greek. If I happen to find someone who is not, that is great also, not sure I have an opinion either way about the future of being with someone else at this point.

I have told my L that I do not want the divorce. It is clearly stated in the psych eval also.
Apparently this Friday one of us just needs to go and confirm all the items we discussed, mediation, etc and then we will be D 21 days after judgment. Good riddens to STBX.

The crazy part is STBX is trying to extort money from me and saying it is for the boys. She wants $2900 per month in child support because that is what she calculated to live in the house her parents gifted her, I disagreed and stated that I have no issue paying the formulated amount. She says, you can choose to pay more. I told her I choose not to and so she is still good with being a 1/3 of the year mom.

So DB coach said he was glad to hear that I am over her. I did say I wanted a good co-parenting R with STBX and he liked that.

I asked how do I have healthy communication with STBX.

He gave me the following example:

If STBX says A, B, C, D.
I say: if I hear you correctly you said A, B, D.
Then she will say: No you forgot C.
Then I just say: Got it.

I leave it at that. Just repeat what she says and I am neither agreeing or disagreeing.

I think I did some of this through the last set of texts.

I spoke with my uncle and he said he would help financially to get a house there and come up with a plan to repay him the money. I do not plan on living near STBX. I will live where it suits me and the boys so that I am centrally located to work and downtown. DB coach state that as long as I feel that it would be a positive to the co-parenting R then he supported the move.

[mvgfwd2]

The more I read Jim's posts the more I feel like I'm being played. Is anything on these posts real?? I don't even understand why he posts here. He has not considered most of the advice. In fact his actions are completely opposite. Just crazy.

[Painter]

Jim, you may have a lot of good arguments for moving. It certainly sounds like the financial situation would improve.

But have you looked at how you make decisions? Sometimes we make a decision just because we can't stand the uncertainty. That's not a good reason. I see you go back and forth very, very quickly on big life decisions. You say one thing one day and another the next, and you declare your decisions to the world.

Why did you contact STBX about this? Shouldn't you have discussed it with your L and made sure you have all your ducks in a row first, legally? Is this part of a drama cycle?

Something happens to us if we've had a lot of upheaval and drama in our lives, and very high stress. We can become addicted to the chemical cycle in the body that is induced by high stress. We don't know how to handle life when it's level and even, we get restless and bored, so we create situations that are high drama in order to release something. I know this because I have to fight this in my own life, it's a result of having an alcoholic parent and other dramatic events in my life early on.

I read quite a bit of emotion in the text exchange. You snipe at her several times in that conversation. I understand doing that, I have done that plenty to WH, but at least I'm able to recognize that I do it and admit to it. You're not going to get anywhere until you see these things.

[J5K]

Painter

Yes I recognized I was snippy with STBX. It seems she and I are better at parallel parenting because unless I just do things her way, I get nothing but criticism. I do not deserve that from her anymore.

I did speak with L and she advises I do whatever I like after the D. I want to make sure the D happens also.

The next time STBX will find out if I am moving is when I file the paperwork to request change of domicile.

I have flip flopped for a year and am done. Just want to settle in a place and raise the boys and start to GAL. I am ready to meet new people and build some new friendships without STBX.

If she wants to push the SAHM thing through the legal system there, nothing I can do about it. On her.

I just want out of her life completely.

[J5K]

STBX calls last night at 6 pm. Background noise sounds like she is out at a restaurant. I answered the phone and said kids are eating I will have them call you back when they are done. She immediately says I would like to talk to you for a bit. Her voice is nice and soft and calm. I step outside and she asks if the transfer is going through. I said yes, I requested it Friday.

She then suggests we both go in front of the judge on Friday and request change of domicile if possible. She feels if we are both there and agree judge will grant it. I said OK. She also asked if she can ask for permission for Canadian Citizenship for the boys. I said yes, no problem.

I asked why she thought she would need $2900 per month if custody were to flip and she gets two thirds and she just reiterated that is what she calculated she would need. I stated for me to agree, what I would need is all receipts knowing that the money went directly to the boys and utilities of the house. She quickly responded well I am not doing that, they can stay with you then. I said OK.

She offered to take S2 during the day and pick up the boys from school in order to minimize the nanny/daycare costs. I said that is appreciated and we can discuss details another time.

She has overstepped every boundary that I would have communicated to her. This last one of exposing the boys to new OM4 has pushed my anger over the edge. The best thing I can do is protect them by having more overnights with me than her and give them as much love as I can. The help will be appreciated to ensure I have a nice organized place for the boys and get them into a solid routine. This will be a positive for the boys to have us in the same city.

I truly have nothing left to say to STBX. I will do my best to put a smile on my face when she is around the boys but that is it. I am not sure how I feel about her anymore, or if I will ever want her back. Her perception of family is very different than mine and clearly the two do not mesh. That's ok, I will continue to make the best of what I have with my sons.

I will also have to set very clear boundaries on her helping out in order to save costs. No OM around when she picks up kids from school or has S2. If she breaks that boundary then I have no issue paying for daycare. Is this a reasonable boundary to set?

[Ginger1]

This is a woman who says "you keep them, then" when she isn't getting what she wants money wise.

is this the main domicile you want the children to live in? is this the best situation for the kids?

As far as the no OM around, might have a really hard time with that one legally.

[J5K]

Ginger,

Yep, I picked a real winner. I can only control what I own and choose to manage the money instead of her. I let her buy whatever she wanted when she wanted. No more. Done with that.

In all honesty I do not believe that she will care if I move back to Michigan once the boys are older, especially if there is a promotional opportunity for me. She seems to be fine either way, but we will see when the time comes.

I am tired of speculating what will happen to her in the future. I only care about saving as much money as I can right now to do things with the boys on my time. Once they are all in school full time we will see what the best location is for the boys and me. All I know is I can save money over the next 3 years by moving there.

I can't control how many times she exposes OM to the boys. I can control whether she watches them though. No expectations. Will decide when she takes action. Not looking to bully her either way about OM.

[mvgfwd2]

Why are you so easily allowing the boys to change to Canadian Citizenship? I hope you discuss that with your L first!!!! Is it possible she can restrict you taking them out of the country with this change? Do you even think before you make grand gestures?

And going from her paying you $50 per month to even considering giving her $2900...WOW!

I can see how this behavior would drive her nuts. It's driving me nuts just watching this train wreck in slow motion.

[Painter]

Jim, why are you agreeing with her directly about important things? There is no need to change citizenship for the boys, they can have dual until 18.

I'm worried about your interactions with her.

[J5K]

Painter,

We are not changing citizenship, they will have dual citizenship.

mvgfwd,

I am just trying to get STBX's perspective. Not making a grand gesture. It is clear she does not respect me, if she did, she would have no problem showing me receipts for all the money. So we will keep the agreement as is.