NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[NYGal]

Update: W continues going to the twice a month meetings (large meetings) that ow also attends. Yesterday, after going over our agreement ("I promise not to engage with ow") in the morning before she headed off to the meeting, she ended up walking ow to her car after the meeting. It ended at 9:30. I didn't get the "I'll text you after the meeting" text until almost 10. A friend told me they were chatting before the meeting, too. I bluffed and pretended I knew about the stroll to the car, until she admitted it. The story kept changing. I'm sure many of you reading this know the kick to the gut feeling when you know your spouse is lying again.

I lost it. She swears it was nothing and i'm making a big deal over nothing. She swears she loves me and only me and wants a future with me and not ow. But everything starts with opening a door just a little bit, doesn't it? Was this temp checking to see if ow might want her back? Or to se if W wants her back? Why would she do this, at work, where any of my friends could see her, and report back to me? Why would she be so willing to hurt me? Her answer: "IDK".

I am worried about my response. I went back to that very dark place of low/no self-esteem. Of paranoia. I googled PTSD after an affair and I have most of the symptoms. I don't sleep, I'm pale, I easily fly off the handle, I am triggered by all sorts of things, I am insecure, I feel ugly and like a loser, I can't concentrate, I can barely hold my head up because I feel so defeated. Today she went off golfing with her friends and said she looks forward to seeing me when she gets back.

Am I making too much out of this? What am I supposed to do when they see each other in meetings at least twice a month? Was this opening the door up again? Will the welcome mat go out next and an invitation to come on in? I'm very very VERY afraid that she'll slide down into that rabbit, no RAT, hole again.