New and need help.

[sandi2]

It is okay to cry, just don't do it in front of her or your child.

I have been hopeful this last week and I wonder if the hope is hurting me more than anything else.

To go through life without hope, seems gloomy. Sure, you have hope for your M and family. From what I have seen, it's when the LBS does nothing to help himself to grow and build a life that really hurts him. When he lives in denial, and refuses to focus on anything but his W........then he will hurt more. Based on what others have reported, it's when the LBS really starts GAL that some of the pain subsides. He can have hope, and still move forward with his life, with or without her.

I'm struggling with the 'understanding' of the separation and suspect that she has felt suffocated for a long time. Maybe she just needs space to work on herself and maybe she'll realize that she want the M to work (maybe she wont). I know that this is something that is out of my control.

Yes, she needs space from you. That includes your texting, emails, calls, etc., that are constantly reminding her that you are there. Don't use your child as an excuse to talk to her. Read the detachment page I sent you. Giving up control is part of the emotional detachment. It will help you with letting go of the dependency, and it will help her feel free of the rope you had around her.

Separation might turn out to be a good thing. Based on what I have seen IRL, spouses reconcile quicker if they have physically separated, instead of just heading straight for a D. In your case, both of you may need the space from each other, b/c of so much codependency. Separation does not mean the end. She may talk to her friends as if it is, but she's mostly reacting from her emotions. Just don't ask her about working on the MR. I see men do this all the time. They wants that assurance from the W, before they barely get through dropping the bomb. Look, if she wanted to work on the M, she would not have left. That's not to say she won't change her mind in the future, but now is not the time. So, just drop it and don't bring it up with her.

1 Detachment seems so difficult - is it a time thing? Do I have to get to a certain point before I'm able to do this? Am I too early in the process?

I can't speak from the position of the LBS. From what I've seen on the board, all the newcomer LBS's seem to struggle with detachment when the pain is so fresh. Actually, it's the "in-house" separations that appear the most difficult to detach. Detaching is learning a new thought process. Something you practice doing every day, until you realize you aren't working at it. And, no, you are not too early.

2 Honestly, does it get better? where I am at the moment it just seems that working on me will result in a better me (and right now I hate me, let alone want a better version oh me).

What if I say, no? What will you do then?

So, in the moment, it seems working on you will result in a better you..........but you are feeling a lot of self hate. You are blaming yourself for the M breakdown and your feelings want to punish yourself. You think you are fat and deserve losing her. So, how will you punish yourself? Stuff yourself with all the comfort food you can find? Put yourself through agony looking at the wedding photos? Dig through the sentimental things you've shared as a couple? The feeling of self hate is horrible!

There is one person in this life you cannot escape. That person is you. Learn to be friends with yourself, instead of your worst enemy. I am telling you that working to become a better man, is not a waste of time! Why would she want to return to the same thing? You have to like yourself before expecting someone else to like you. Why would they, if you don't?

3 I know that everyone's situation is different and I know I need to concentrate on me (rather than what I've lost), but you guys have all been here a lot longer than me, is having hope just going to damage me more?

I said about all I could in the previous statements. Maybe one of the LBS's can answer your questions.

So..........what are your GAL plans for the weekend? Are you working on a calendar?