You Can't Fix 'Em-But What About Family?

[ciluzen]

2Lady,

Hope you are well, or the best you can be under the circumstances.

As to your question about his possible reactions; he is most likely in MLC. His reactions could be one or a bit of all four reactions...or a fifth absolutely improbable one. Your H's reactions, since he is in a crisis, should not dictate your actions unless they would be in some way dangerous to you. Right now, giving him space and doing what will make you most comfortable at this time are important.

You mention the timing of an event that could be dangerous and that it might make him think about how he can't be there to protect two wives at the same time. I hope that you are not planning to do something to just to get a reaction out of him. Think very hard about this; I'm sure we all have considered actions on various levels that would "open their eyes" to what our MLCer is doing. This almost never has the intended effect. It may bring about a protectiveness and concern, but it can also, afterwards, solidify a decision to leave because they feel that they can't keep that level of emotion going. They need to get away from that.

My own H has repeatedly shown concern for my well-being, guilt for not being there to protect me, spoken of my "not being his concern anymore", and then asked after my well being with absolute pain in his voice every time he sees me. When he speaks of our youngest daughter (she is going through a rough time) he has asked after her well-being, said "I can't care about her...it would kill me", and then volunteered to help her out, then pulled back and gone back to no contact with her. He still cares, but it is draining to him so he tries to fight his innate caring and concern.
What I'm trying to say is, the MLCer is in a crisis. As others have said, they are trying to find a way to feel better, to feel good. New wife, new life, something different than they have since what they have isn't making them feel good. They have to figure out that the demon they are running from is inside of them; not us, not their children, not a job, not a community. They have to discover that on their own. Please don't try to manipulate it by trying to have him focus on you (if, when you think about it hard, you are even a little bit thinking of this). It will not work and will probably back-fire. You are better than this crisis.

Just be the strong intelligent woman that we see in your posts. This is painful, but not in your control. Give him space, focus on making you happy or at least, content. Wait him out. You are unique here in your situation. I know that it is painful, but you will be connected. Wait him out. It could be awhile. Keep working on yourself and your personal happiness without him.