Budding

[mustardseed]

Okay. So it's been over a month since I checked in. Life has been crazy. My work schedule and the kids' schedules have been running me ragged but I think I might have found a solution that I am in the process of hammering out.

H and OW have been having family sleepovers. I noticed that I have been feeling competitive with OW and it has effected my parenting. I've been having a hard time saying no, trying to do everything, spending too much money. I know they like OW and I should be grateful for that, but there is this pang. I know that this is my insecurity. It is something I need to work through. I still haven't accepted that the family I thought I had is fractured and looking in from the outside I am the fractured side. They are playing happy brady bunch. But I know that is only appearance. I know that XH needs OW and her family around as a buffer when he has only one of the kids because he doesn't do 1 on 1 very well. I know D is relieved to have that buffer. they are worried that XH and OW will break up because now that dad is happy he is involved. That is what he has told them and led them to believe. His R with them is dependent on his R with OW. And I hate that the kids believe this. I am bitter about this sometimes and I think it shows through to the kids.


So now I need to get myself to accept this without the bitterness I feel. I need to allow them to like this new frakenfamily without sending out the vibes I have been sending out. And I am no longer going to jump through hoops with the kids to keep up with the OW's loose purse strings.

I also realized that as soon as the D is final XH will probably propose to OW. She owns a house--he wants a house. But he never wanted to put the work into fixing his credit and saving for a down payment so that would be a possibility. With OW all of that hard work was already done by her and her XH so he can slide himself in. I am starting to feel for her a bit. She has no idea what she has gotten herself into and she feels like she has won--but this prize is going to cost her--mostly financially knowing XH.

I was talking to a mutual friend the other day and the topic of XH and OW came up. This woman opened up about her M and how they started dating when her H was S, but everyone turned on her calling her a homewrecker. I felt like she was defending OW even though I really didn't say anything about OW just about how H treats me differently depending on the audience, so my guess is OW has been trying to gain allies and spin the story. I responded by assuring her that my sitch was different and gave her a quick rundown of questionable R between XH and OW over the past 5 years and the timing of XH first BD and her S with her husband. Just showed the flags that indicate their R wasn't just magically put together after their marriages had ended but instead was the catalyst for the M's ending. She can draw her own conclusions, but there is a huge difference in what this woman's story was and what happened in my sitch.

I am a little nervous that I should have kept my mouth shut, but mostly I feel good knowing that my side was heard. Damage control on OWs side is all about making me look possessive over XH when the reality is that there were so many mixed messages and inappropriate interaction between them long before D ever came up (and in front of the kids)--I just trusted him and never felt threatened by her because I never thought he would be physically attracted to her (shallow thinking on my part). I am not over what happened, but I am over him. I am happy he found a new source of supply to torture. I hate that my kids are involved in it--but there is nothing I can do about that. I hate that I have to deal with them and the people who believe them on a regular basis, but I only have to suck it up for a few more years.

And i am moving on as best I can.

As for dating. I made the mistake of starting to fall for someone. I was careful about it though. I knew it wasn't a workable situation. He is about a year behind where I am in the D process. We live about 2 hours away from each other. And we have opposite custody schedules. I think the distance and inability to see each other caused a connection stronger than what I have with my local dates because we spent a lot of time talking on the phone and really getting to know each other--there is both the connection of conversation and the fantasy of distance. We were making plans to get together for a second date, which might have lead to an overnight situation and I think we both kind of panicked. We had grown emotionally close, but with the buffer of distance. So a second date felt more like a 10th date--but not really. It was scary.

My reaction to that panic was to feel him out more--try to get a sense of what this date might mean on his end. And I think I sent out a "needy vibe". His reaction was to withdraw--which caused my knee jerk reaction of trying harder to connect. Luckily I recognized the pattern before I got annoying. I knew that until I heard from him exactly what was going on I was not going to be able to just let it go--and that would increase my need to connect to him which makes me look even more needy.

So instead of sending out feelers I came right out and said--I am getting the feeling that things are cooling off on your end. We are both going through some pretty complicated things and I understand if this is the case, but please just let me know.

And he did. He was feeling very much of the same hesitation I was feeling. We were both very much on the same page and the truth of the matter is that the timing and the situation is not workable. Better to end it then to get even deeper. It felt really good to have that kind of an adult discussion. And I realized that my neediness and clinginess that came out in my marriage and in some other Rs I've had, doesn't have so much to do with my dependency on the OP but with the lack of answers. I don't do well without answers. Questions make it hard for me to let go. Answers allow me to move on.

So I am a bit sad. There was something about this guy that felt right. But "right guy, wrong time", is wrong guy. That is the difference between my 40-something approach to dating and my 20-something approach. I am in no rush. I can take things slow. I can let go without a bruised ego or hurt feelings--I've already survived my biggest relationship fear--I can handle anything else that comes my way.

I am recognizing the difference between feeling sad because I am missing someone, and feeling desperate because I need that someone to let me in. Experiencing this loss isn't fun, but learning more about myself and identifying the reasons and emotions, and understanding my reactions to it all is a pretty wonderful experience.

I have been dating locally as well--one guy pretty regularly but casually since December. We have fun together but it won't go anywhere beyond the casual. When he goes out on other dates I am genuinely happy for him and don't feel any jealousy or competition, and I get the same vibe from him with my dating. Not that we go into detail about it, but there is no sneaking around. We've had a bunch of honest conversations about it. Part of my panic about seeing distance guy was the realization that it might mean that I'd have to end things with this guy. And I didn't really want to do that. So I was relieved when the date with distance guy got cancelled, and I filled that weekend with time with some of my local dating buddies.

I also have some friend-zone dates. The men seem ok with it and I am careful to not send mixed messages. I pay my own way and it's all good.

I am still struggling to connect with my girlfriends. Everyone is always so busy and don't get back to me. I don't know what I am doing wrong--or if I am doing anything wrong. Most of my girl friends are married with kids. I need more single friends. I do have my family though--plans with some aunts today and a friend zone date tonight. Luckily work and the kids have kept me busy. Even with 50/50 custody they have a lot going on that I am able to be a part of. Usually it means that I have to be around OW or H (H is never around or keeps a safe distance when OW and I have to be at the same events). Spineless. Knowing how XH deals with the kids events compared to how distance guy deals with his kids and his X makes me even more drawn to distance guy. But I realize the things that I admire most about him are also the things that make a R with him impractical. It is a double edged sword.