Thank you for stopping by my thread. Your situation is pretty unique by our norms, but I'm sure you will get loads of support and advice here. I'm a very closed person in real life, but I find posting here helps. I'm still not sharing anything that I'm not comfortable with others knowing, but sometimes you need a support network of strangers like the one this forum offers. To be honest sometimes even the journaling helps, it clarifies things. Best of luck
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thanks Esame. I am benefiting from this forum. It's giving me a lot of good strategies. And I'd like to give back. There's something I did the other day that really involved sticking my neck out and could have been a bad move but as I reflect it was a good thing and I want to share it. As I said, my H is self-reflective and knows that his infatuation with the new wife won't last forever but nevertheless he is in the middle of it now. At one point he got frustrated as if he wanted more appreciation from me and blurted out that he viewed talking to me as an "obligation." That's a translation of the word he used and it doesn't actually have as strong a meaning in English as the original does. The best way I can describe it is as a societal or family obligation that you just MUST do. Whether you want to do it or not, you do it. Now I could have reacted to that as an insult because who wants to just be an obligation but he seemed to want affirmation that he was doing the right thing.
So after we last fell into having a relationship discussion that didn't go well, I decided to text him the next day. I told him I knew he felt our relationship was an "obligation" but that I told him that I know that means that he really loves me, because when you love someone, you put their needs before your own. And I thanked him for it. Now, this is in the context that sometimes he says he doesn't love me, sometimes he loves no one, sometimes he loves the other wife and sometimes he seems like he is trying to convince himself he loves her and sometimes he says he loves me and sometimes he says he loves us both and has place in his heart for two. He's typical MLC and this is when he is talking about his feelings and so I don't put much stock into any of it.
So, what was his reaction? Now, his next call was mainly to ask me for my opinion on a major opportunity that had come up for him and he wanted to ask me about it. But before he said anything, he asked me how things were regarding the things that he had previously said he was asking about out of "obligation" that I had mentioned in the text message. The way he said it was as if he wanted to make a point of doing what I had praised him for in the text as if he agreed with it. He didn't say, don't read too much into what I am doing and get the idea wrongly that I love you, which he could have.
The moral of the story is that I think I successfully reminded him of the nature of the love between us by praising him for something that 1-is really an example of true lasting love, 2-that he clearly wanted to be praised for. I looked for something he felt he was doing right and then spun it to give it the meaning I wanted it to have for him, which was namely if you show long term kind of love behaviors that is a good thing. And I know he desperately wants to feel he is doing the right thing.
I wanted to get some feedback from all of you on something. My husband's wedding to the other wife is coming up soon. I'm actually in another country right now due to some unrelated personal circumstances, but will be back to the same country before the wedding.
Originally though, we had different plans for this time. From the outset he expressed serious worry about leaving me alone when he had his wedding. My feeling was that he thought I couldn't handle it, even perhaps that I would hurt myself. He wanted someone to be with me during this time and he wanted one of his relatives to stay with me. Personally, the thought of having anyone with me during that time just did not appeal at all. I don't want anyone to watch me go through it. Anyway, I gave it some thought and instead decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere and one of his relatives wanted to join me and we agreed to go, but then I suddenly had to travel abroad and was not able to do the paperwork needed for the trip with his relative so we decided I would just stay at our other home in another city because I would pass through there anyway on my way home..
I want to go no contact with him during the time. At first I thought about just suddenly stopping answering the phone but that would be too much of a game. Instead, what I am thinking to do is to just get to our other home, ask him to make some calls I need to get some things taken care of there and then once that is squared away, I will tell him that I don't want him to call me to check up on me until I call him, but that if he has an emergency or HE needs ME, that he is free to call any time, that I will be there for him. If he asks why I will be evasive and just say this is what I need to do, please respect that. Then I don't call unless I have an emergency or until he has his one week after the wedding (I've given him 2 but 1 is really what he is Islamically entitled to with her and so I want to make the subtle point that I don't want anything less than my right by calling exactly after 1 week), then I will call him to let him know my booking so he can pick me up when I arrive home but not talk anymore than that until we are together again.
What I hope to get out of it personally is just to avoid any awkward or contentious conversations during this time. I don't see any benefit from it. I also want him not to have any chance to try and lay down any silly ground rules about our relationship before I come back. No calls, he can't do it. He has to face the reality when I come and just deal with it.
There's 3 things that I think he could react to this no contact:
1. It will be a relief that I will be out of his hair during the wedding. He may be dreading having to talk to me during this time or even worried I will be too clingy and it will make him see that I respect his space and respect me more and make him more at ease with me when I come home.
2. He will be fraught with worry that I will do some sort of self harm or that I will be absolutely miserable and this will nag at his mind the whole time and make him feel guilty. It frees me of having to put on a show that everything is ok and allow him to delude himself that it is. He has to understand the impact of what he is doing and that I have feelings too and not just the other wife. He hasn't wanted to hear about my feelings from me, but if he actually starts to think about them on his own and imagine I am upset, I think then he doesn't have to react to them immediately and feel put on the spot. It plants the seed without me having to take the brunt of his immediate reaction face to face.
3. He will start to worry that I may be planning to leave him or never come back. I've never done anything like no contact before, it's totally out character for me. I only ever one time ever thought to say I wanted a divorce and he was completely upset by it. I have no intention of leaving him and am not even contemplating what it would be like to live without him. I'm not like a lot of people here who say if I can't work it out, at least I will have prepared myself. I'm fully in this marriage and if it does end, I'll deal with it then. But all my actions are done with the sole intention of continuing our life together. There's no plan B now. But I don't think it hurts if he THINKS that I might leave him and he will then realize he can't just get away with anything. In any case, he wants to control when he sees me and the other wife and Islamically it actually supposed to be the other way around. Both wives are supposed to control 50% of his time and while we can give up that time to the other, he is supposed to be equitable. He's not ready to be that way, so I need to show him that I do control something and by turning the tables around and saying I will contact you when I want, not you, then I will plant a seed in his mind that he could lose me if he doesn't act properly and remind him he isn't the only one who gets to decide how our relationship should be.
4. He will miss me and when I return home he will appreciate me more. He has been used to me being very proactive in our relationship and while he has withdrawn and I have been letting him be the one that calls him in the last few weeks, it's still going to be that he's not getting what he is used to. And he even said at one point if you give me space I will want to be with you more. So let him prove his words.
He could feel one or more of these things, but whatever he feels he will have to face his own thoughts alone. What do you think?
Last edited by job; 10/15/1606:59 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster
Firstly I wanted to ask "how are you" and to send you strength and hugs.
None of use here has exprience of what you are going through, as our norms are so different. However if I was to hazard a guess I would say that your H will feel a combination of the 4 options you described. Or he might be so into the marriage preparations and excitement that he will just be relieved to know you are ok, and you need the space and you respectfully offer him the time to do this as per your religion and traditions.
I hope you are coping well, and that you are taking care of yourself.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Oh yes, there is one more thing I forgot to mention. The timing of this all just happens to coincide with an event that could make him worry not just about me harming myself, but actually that I could get in a life threatening situation (something unrelated to our relationship) either unintentionally or by my own choice to participate. It's something we went through before together but he was there to protect me at that time. If the situation does get bad, he will have to face the fact that having two wives he can't be there for us both all the time. And this is a truth he needs to face. But by cutting off the calls, he just won't know where I am or what I am doing during that time and this will help to raise the anxiety that I could be in danger.
The truth is though he isn't actually excited about the marriage preparations! He has described getting married as something he "just wants to get it over with." And he actually hates weddings and has even told the other wife he hates them. For her it may be her special day but he has made it clear to her that it is something that he is putting up with and he wants to make it as short as possible. When they had the marriage contract signing party he actually walked out in the middle of the whole event and went to sit with her brother in a cafe rather than socialize with her and the rest of the family. Can you imagine?
He told me yesterday he just is getting more and more tired every day from the preparations. He's been wrapped up in it all, yes, but it is wearing him down, not energizing him. It's robbed him of himself to some extent. He is totally out of touch with everything except the preparations.
I think it's good that you are getting away for a while. You need some time to yourself and I don't blame you in not wanting one of his relatives to stay with you. You are a very strong and independent woman who doesn't need a babysitter. Having someone w/you would alleviate some of his concerns for what he is about to do.
I would venture to say that he's going to feel a number of emotions once you've discussed the contact issue with him. Sure, he's going to feel some relief that he will be able to concentrate on the marriage preparations, but he's also going to be wondering what you are doing and even may feel some panic that he's not going to be in touch with you like he has been. They tend to want to know that we are right where they left us and it's difficult for them to accept that we can make decisions and continue living our lives no matter what they are doing. I think he'll be very happy to have you home again and be able to talk to you and discuss things with you.
Our culture is so different and I am curious to see how your situation will play out once the other woman becomes his bride. He's going to have a different set of rules which is the 50/50 equality of time spent w/each wife. How do you think he'll be able to handle the stress of not having complete control once the marriage takes place?
I hope you are doing well and I wish you safe travels in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He clearly has depression underlying everything. He may be enamored of the new wife for now but he is self-aware this is just a temporary state and that he will bore of her and so it makes him kind of a tragic character. It's like he views it as his last gasp of life, typical MLCer.
Of course, my intention is that we will have a better life going forward. He has to go on this journey alone but I want to show him that we can actually have a better marriage in the future than the past. That it's not the end of his life, but only a new beginning. I know there is a lot of trouble we will have to get through to get there but I am trying to plant seeds in his mind that our marriage will get better (while he is thinking his other marriage is just doomed to go downhill).
