I wanted to get some feedback from all of you on something. My husband's wedding to the other wife is coming up soon. I'm actually in another country right now due to some unrelated personal circumstances, but will be back to the same country before the wedding.

Originally though, we had different plans for this time. From the outset he expressed serious worry about leaving me alone when he had his wedding. My feeling was that he thought I couldn't handle it, even perhaps that I would hurt myself. He wanted someone to be with me during this time and he wanted one of his relatives to stay with me. Personally, the thought of having anyone with me during that time just did not appeal at all. I don't want anyone to watch me go through it. Anyway, I gave it some thought and instead decided I wanted to take a trip somewhere and one of his relatives wanted to join me and we agreed to go, but then I suddenly had to travel abroad and was not able to do the paperwork needed for the trip with his relative so we decided I would just stay at our other home in another city because I would pass through there anyway on my way home..

I want to go no contact with him during the time. At first I thought about just suddenly stopping answering the phone but that would be too much of a game. Instead, what I am thinking to do is to just get to our other home, ask him to make some calls I need to get some things taken care of there and then once that is squared away, I will tell him that I don't want him to call me to check up on me until I call him, but that if he has an emergency or HE needs ME, that he is free to call any time, that I will be there for him. If he asks why I will be evasive and just say this is what I need to do, please respect that. Then I don't call unless I have an emergency or until he has his one week after the wedding (I've given him 2 but 1 is really what he is Islamically entitled to with her and so I want to make the subtle point that I don't want anything less than my right by calling exactly after 1 week), then I will call him to let him know my booking so he can pick me up when I arrive home but not talk anymore than that until we are together again.

What I hope to get out of it personally is just to avoid any awkward or contentious conversations during this time. I don't see any benefit from it. I also want him not to have any chance to try and lay down any silly ground rules about our relationship before I come back. No calls, he can't do it. He has to face the reality when I come and just deal with it.

There's 3 things that I think he could react to this no contact:

1. It will be a relief that I will be out of his hair during the wedding. He may be dreading having to talk to me during this time or even worried I will be too clingy and it will make him see that I respect his space and respect me more and make him more at ease with me when I come home.

2. He will be fraught with worry that I will do some sort of self harm or that I will be absolutely miserable and this will nag at his mind the whole time and make him feel guilty. It frees me of having to put on a show that everything is ok and allow him to delude himself that it is. He has to understand the impact of what he is doing and that I have feelings too and not just the other wife. He hasn't wanted to hear about my feelings from me, but if he actually starts to think about them on his own and imagine I am upset, I think then he doesn't have to react to them immediately and feel put on the spot. It plants the seed without me having to take the brunt of his immediate reaction face to face.

3. He will start to worry that I may be planning to leave him or never come back. I've never done anything like no contact before, it's totally out character for me. I only ever one time ever thought to say I wanted a divorce and he was completely upset by it. I have no intention of leaving him and am not even contemplating what it would be like to live without him. I'm not like a lot of people here who say if I can't work it out, at least I will have prepared myself. I'm fully in this marriage and if it does end, I'll deal with it then. But all my actions are done with the sole intention of continuing our life together. There's no plan B now. But I don't think it hurts if he THINKS that I might leave him and he will then realize he can't just get away with anything. In any case, he wants to control when he sees me and the other wife and Islamically it actually supposed to be the other way around. Both wives are supposed to control 50% of his time and while we can give up that time to the other, he is supposed to be equitable. He's not ready to be that way, so I need to show him that I do control something and by turning the tables around and saying I will contact you when I want, not you, then I will plant a seed in his mind that he could lose me if he doesn't act properly and remind him he isn't the only one who gets to decide how our relationship should be.

4. He will miss me and when I return home he will appreciate me more. He has been used to me being very proactive in our relationship and while he has withdrawn and I have been letting him be the one that calls him in the last few weeks, it's still going to be that he's not getting what he is used to. And he even said at one point if you give me space I will want to be with you more. So let him prove his words.

He could feel one or more of these things, but whatever he feels he will have to face his own thoughts alone. What do you think?

Last edited by job; 10/15/16 06:59 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster