Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[SH_]

SH,
MWD tells people that you can influence your partner, she is very adamant about that. The entire design of her DBing is about how you can influence the people around you by truly listening to them and then doing trial and error. She has an entire video on youtube saying "You can push their buttons because you installed most of them." She is has been clear that it can take one to tango and save a marriage, it is the one way her technique differ from every other marriage expert. My WH hasn't spoken to the OW since June when I confronted and found about their second affair in April. Mostly this is because she cut him off and walked away. Meanwhile he's been pining and withdrawing from her. So while his thinking is wayward he is not still in the affair.

Yes, Sara I understand that MWD is adamant that we can influence another...She has written an entire other book about this exact topic..."Change your Life and Everyone in It"

Change your life...you...then everyone in it...

It is all about ways we can influence others...and you know what?
In the book, it discusses how we must start with ourselves...

MWD states that your emotions will ambush you...she says she will help you manage those emotions...she gives us those tools...This is the starting point.

So, much of what you write is about you WH and your attempts to influence him...
Your reactions to him...
Good reactions...
Poor reactions...
Thoughts about reactions...

Emotions ambushing you?

My WH hasn't spoken to the OW since June when I confronted and found about their second affair in April. Mostly this is because she cut him off and walked away. Meanwhile he's been pining and withdrawing from her. So while his thinking is wayward he is not still in the affair.

Sara,
He had cut off an affair previously to fall into this one, if I recall correctly.
MWD says very clearly that he must state and comment to you that it is over...she is emphatic that the wayward cannot simply go with that it is implied...Has he done this, this time around?
MWD point on "Promise Change" from the WAS. She states this is the common theme when MR do not survive the affair.
After 2 times...and this is simply my opinion...Might you not deserve and demand this...for you?

Sara,

Very little is being shared in your story about your GAL...
What are you doing for you?
Thought stopping?
What are you doing for you?
Forgivness?
What are you doing for you?
180's...permanent 180's?
What are you doing for you?

Horse= You
Cart= Husband

Are you pushing the cart?
Are you pulling the cart?

Sara... I am not trying to convince you that what you share and are trying is wrong...There is no value in debating that...it is not wrong...it is spot on...it is a perfect focus for a LBS that knows what they want......
There is no motive for why I share the point that starting with the key elements that her you control emotions, and pound away at it with you...I simply share in hopes that you take 2 steps back...see that you are forgetting you, in what you are sharing...

We read that you are working many hours...
We don't read what you are doing to enjoy yourself...
You are squeezing in time with your beautiful children...
We don't read what time you are spending with friends or family...
You are doing all the day to day duties for your family...
We don't hear what activities that you are doing that make you happy or bring moments of peace and joy for you.
You are prettying up yourself and your demeanor in efforts with communication with your WH...
We don't hear what you are doing to make you feel beautiful inside.

What are you doing for you?

How are you making permanent the changes in you, through forgiveness and thought stopping?
This is for you, not him, not the MR.
How are you making changes in your thoughts so that your actions are genuine and not of the "biting ones tounge and grinding of teeth"?
You are your thoughts...people around know and sense when we do this. WS, sense it even more I imagine...men have a sixth sense when a woman is not being genuine...although so many LBH here say we never saw it coming...because we hide from this sense...WAH, on the other hand are not hiding from it, they are running from it.

WS know when things are not genuine in our actions...and it is not because we slip up on occasion... it is because we don't do enough to change our thoughts and our beliefs inside...

GAL is the medicine that helps us see what truly makes us happy.
Thought stopping is the exercise that conditions us to control the random patterns of our minds.
Forgivness is the exercise that helps us detach by seeing them for who they are and not focus on what they do...sound like the decision to detach correct?
180's are the exercises to change our instinctual patterns of behavior.

These are all things that must become daily habits for us to make changes to then be the person that can most influence our spouses.


I apologize that I am going on so much...I really need to step back...I can not hope to influence by lecturing and being long winded...D18 reminds me of this often...but...I see great hope in you and your situation...I see true potential under the shallow surface of past habits and patterns of behavior that you have been vulnerable and strong enough to share with us...I see my D18 in you...Father instincts kick in...this is my challenge to change...influence comes from giving space...and leading by example, not words.

I may be out of place to continue to share my point...I truly believe you are close to what is needed...but, I know that I can not convince...nor do I choose too...simply share my thoughts, that all change and good influence of those around us...starts with oneself.

In oneself, lies the greatest power, to have influence, positive influence on those around us...but we must tap into it first, before we can share out to those we love and choose to influence.

Dbing has two constant rules:
1 Do what works
2. Stop doing what doesn't work

Truth!
This also applies to efforts focused within and on ourself...
Only with true, genuine changes to ourself, can we hope to influence our partners in our MR. When our mind is aligned with our actions, influence has no doubt...it is then that those around us have a choice...and we will have no doubts left for what we have set out to accomplish...this is the true power of influence...this is why starting with oneself will provide the most traction in our attempts to DB...
The success stories I see here are when the LBS true has changed by following the principles for focus on ourself...the other stories where it appears to work and the regresses, makes me wonder if the changes were not so genuine.

The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. James Allen


I am focused on you...
All of my support is for you and what you desire to accomplish...
I believe in you.
You can do this.

(((((Sara)))))