Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[Coly23]

(((Maybs))), I'm so sorry you are struggling. This is just an awful situation you are in especially as it has all happened so quickly so it will take a while to sink in.

What you have gone through is huge and life changing, it's not just business as usual. You have been stoic through all this and you should be proud of how you have handled it all. I think you need extra support at this time, would it help to join a divorce support group?

You know that wrapping yourself up in your friend's issues is is only a temporary band aid, at some point you will have to face these changes in your life and figure out how to move forward. At the moment you and XW are taking different paths but in the future there is no saying that you might meet up again but now you need to move forward and not be stuck in separation mode.

Hugs Maybs.

[maybs]

I guess maybe me saying I was getting wrapped up in her problems is the wrong words. I am dealing with my own problems and to an extent she is helping me with that. She's been divorced so she understands how I'm feeling and what I'm going through and she's also having troubles with her now H. He's acting very similarly to how XW has been acting. So we have just been trying to be there and support each other.

I think the reason I feel stuck in separation mode is because nothing has really changed from how my life was when we were separated. It's like in my head I know we are divorced and that's okay. But it's almost like I forget about it sometimes, like nothing feels any different than it did a few weeks ago.
-she's still gone. - still seeing cow. - I still live in the house alone.
Like nothing as really changed on the surface, but it has changed.

IDK I feel upset about the divorce itself but I don't feel all that upset about her. Like I still feel pretty detached from her and her crap and her emotional roller coaster. It's almost like I view her as two separate people, or well 3. There's like the past her that was my W and the person I married and then there's this weird person who kind of looks like she does but is nothing like her and then there's like this hope for a new her in the future that's like different than both of them but hopefully better for herself.

It's hard too sometimes I wish I could be as angry at her as she is at me. Like it would be easier if I hated her and I just don't. I feel bad for her and I can empathize with her to an extent but I'm not angry. I've forgiven her. And I do wish her the best, truly.

I'm just...idk...

[maybs]

Still over here...being divorced.

Haven't spoken to XW since the day in my mind now known as "d-day" That's fine by me. Although I do wish she would come get her 3 things she wanted from the house... it feels like she's just dragging it out...

I've decided because I can and because I like to travel and spend money on extravagant things that I'm going to look into renting out one of the bedrooms. As a single person I have no need for 3 rooms...

I am meeting with someone today who might be interested.

I already kind of am committed to the idea because like I said I like to travel and buy extravagant things lol. Friend H and I are trying to plan a trip for March for her Spring Break (she's a teacher). I'm thinking Haiti? Dominican Republic? Not sure we decided on somewhere Caribbean but not Mexico...

In a little over a month I'll be leaving to spend a week in Florida with her.

In January I'm considering taking a week to go out to Lake Tahoe to visit my brothers... mostly that's just an excuse to go to Lake Tahoe I could actually not care less about seeing them while I'm there.

honestly, it feels nice to only have to worry about me and what I want to do. I can go and do anything I want. I can buy things that I want and don't have to worry about all the medications and supplies and etc etc etc that came along with XW.

I'm feeling quite a bit better about the whole situation.

[NYGal]

Good for you maybs! Keep making those plans, and I firmly believe good things will be coming your way... from the west...

[hawker]

Haha...I agree with NYGal!!!!!!!!!!

[maybs]

You two...

Nothing new over here. I meet with someone yesterday who is very interested in renting one of the rooms in my house. She's close to the same age as me and is also recently divorced. We meet yesterday at lunch time, I believe later she's going to come check the place out and then fingers crossed likes it.

From speaking with her on the phone and yesterday seems like we have a good amount in common and expect the same things from a roommate situation so I'm sure it will be fine. And if it isn't...I'll kick her out. That's the nicest part about this being my house... no one gets to stay if I don't want them too.

Went over the FA's house again last night for dinner. Sometimes she scares me when she cooks because she just throws stuff together and makes comments like "oh that was strong" but when I ask her what she just gives me a look... I'm like her test animal for her learning how to cook new foods.... which is totally fine with me because 1) free food that I don't have to cook and 2) I LOVE FOOD! We also watched Hallmark movies and then I headed home around 11.

My IC yesterday said that because of my personality type and because of who I am as a person I am good at feeling distress and then saying "well there's nothing I can do about it, time to move forward." and letting it go.... Which is 98% of the time what happens. She said it's served me well and is likely the reason that I'm still going today but now she wants me to learn to identify my emotions better... Not sure how I feel about that. That's never been a space I'm comfortable in. I excel at rationalizing and logic and things that have scientific evidence and such...not emotions. So we will see how that goes for the next week.

Getting super excited about going to Florida next month! FH and I keep talking about all the things we plan on doing and seeing while I'm down there visiting her and I just get more and more excited. Still trying to firm up some spring break plans for ourselves. Might see when FA's daughters sb is and see if she wants to come with us.

[maybs]

Went out earlier with a woman that I work with for sushi and then we went to the mall and we like a lot of the same things and enjoy spending time together.

While I was out XW texted me. I didn't get it right away because I was busy and then because I have her contact info set to do not disturb.
She was asking if she could come tomorrow to get her things.

I asked what time. She said she's not sure because she is going to be working at her second job but probably between 7-8. Or she said she could come Sunday morning.

So I asked what time Sunday morning because as a young adult female I do tend to have plans on Saturday evenings.... and she said 7am. Which doesn't work for me either.

So I finally told her to just come tomorrow and let me know when she was on her way. I adjusted some plans (with the woman from work) to ensure I would be home because I have changed all the locks and she wouldn't be able to get in otherwise.

She said "okay. The only way I can get my stuff is if I have OW and OW's dad help is that okay?"

WHATTTTTTTT!!!???? Okay I have told her before that ow is not allowed in my home. For any reason. I don't care if there's a tornado. She can stand outside. And then also it's weird she's bringing her ows dad along.... I spoke with FA and FK and they both don't think ow dad knows the full story (you may recall ow is only 19) and they both think and I tend to agree that I should say something to him when they are here.

Anyways so I respond to her text and say "no. I have told you before she will not enter my home" to which xw got mad and said "I don't have a lot of f*cking options. I guess her dad and I will move everything and she will sit in the car"

I responded with "it's not my fault you have no one else to help you and as I've said she will not be in my home or on my property"

I just don't even know what to say to her. I don't care that she comes to get her stuff I'd actually prefer it because I want it gone. And I've set this boundary for me from the beginning and I'm sticking to it. I will call the police if necessary. She is not welcome at my home.

But what parent in their right mind is okay with their 19 year old dating someone who is 32 AND just got divorced. In part because the 32 year old cheated on her wife with their child and then that parents just like "yeah I'll help you move out of your xws house.......". Who does that...

Anyways. So I'll deal with that tomorrow. I'm not going to be mean I'll be pleasant. But I do think I might say something to her dad about their little affair

Overall had a pretty good day. I like spending time with this woman from work and we have recently realized how much we have in common and we really do share many of the same interests which makes it fun. We ended the evening by going to a bookstore and we each picked a book for the other to read. So I will probably read that for a while and then try to get some sleep.

[Altair]

I like your boundary, and I think you should stick to it! It causes discussions with OW, that dad, etc. Good on you. be strong! You are going to get through this maybs.

[Coly23]

Yes definitely good that you are sticking to your guns Maybs!

Oh and that relationship is going to last.... NOT!! I get irritated by teenage daughter's behaviour, I couldn't imagine having a partner who is a teenager - yuk!

[maybs]

Thanks for the support Altair. I feel like there needs to be some discussion between them as well. I'll say it nicely as if I don't know it's supposed to be a secret...

Coly, I have no doubt in my mind that relationship will not last. My BFF has a daughter who is 17 (almost 18) and sometimes the way she acts.... I just can't imagine dating someone who is a teenager and I'm 6 years younger than my XW...

Hopefully XW can be on time and get her things in a quick fashion because I have a life and it's not sitting around waiting on her.

Honestly, I only agreed to letting her come today, even though it made me change some plans, because I just want this done. I don't want her to have any excuse to contact me or try to see me. I'm moving forward without her.