Hi SH, I may have misunderstood you while squinting at my tiny phone screen.
For me, boundaries and consequences are things that are within my control and that I can enforce.
Sara won't be able to make her h do anything if he decides that he is going to talk non- stop about his wayward feelings. If she asks him to stfu, he will just feel justified in his wayward feelings.
If she tells him that he must stop or she will kick his a$$ to the kerb, that's an ultimatum - she's trying to control his actions and forcing his hand.
What she can do is to walk away and resume when things are more pleasant.
On many first -person affair recovery sites, the former waywards confess that it takes time for them to get over the addiction of A. It may take at least 1 to 2 years.
They will want to talk about the op. They will have feelings about the op and will want to reminisce about the A.
These are normal. It hurts like cr@p but that is their reality. These may not mean that they have no intention of working on the M.
Sara will have to watch the actions of her h and be prepared to ride out the waves. If her h shows willingness to work on the M, then I say give her H a chance.
Not all returning spouses jump back into the M as evolved beings dying to show their sincere remorse and unshakable loyalty. There may still be a lot of doubt, guilt, shame and anger.
These are issues that have to be worked through. And piecing will probably be for the rest of the M and lives.
It took time for the waywards to become waywards. It will take time for them to reverse the waywardness.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
