I am a mom of 4 kids ages 9,7, 5 and 5 (twins). After hubby lost weight, bought a new wardrobe, changed his look etc. I got the bomb drop (7 weeks ago). A total surprise to me, because i was very happy in our marriage. And I actually believe he was too. My bomb drop is I love you, but I want to be in love, I deserve more in my life and I feel empty with you. He says, the rat race with the kids seems like a chore/job to him because our relationship is nothing and he feels trapped in a marriage that he signed up for that he does not want. I spent the first few weeks begging and pleading which only infuriated him and made him stay away. He said he wants to work out and work on himself and doesn't have the energy or desire to give anything to me or anything else. He's been nothing but awful to live with since August.

In the past week I have taken advice from the board, stopped paying attention to him, doing my own thing, etc. and I am getting attention. He texts me, says I love you, hugs me, asks me to bear with him and not to shut him out, etc. Although he is doing these nice things, he is still very distant and I can tell he is very much in the MLC. I think he is nervous I am going to leave him, which I kind if indicated when I told him, I am now moving on.

When he hugs me - should I hug back? When he texts me I love you - should I say it back? When he comes to talk to me - how much should I pay attention and how much should I shut him out? Where is the balance in keeping the door open to fix this, vs. the tactic of keeping lots of distance.

I have asked him to see counseling, make changes in our relationship or life, just plain start having sex to rekindle things, go to dinner or do something once a week,etc. He says no no no no to all of it. Says he doesn't want to fake it and is happier doing things alone. Only since i told him I am moving on and stopped focusing my attention on him he has started doing a few little "connection things" like I mentioned above. When asked what he wants, he says, he wish he could just be left alone and stay her OR go away for awhile and come back. When asked what he envisions a perfect marriage 10 years in with 4 young kids he says "that's just the point, I don't know, and it 'effing [censored] that I am trapped for the rest of my life in this complacency".

I want more from my marriage too but I have never been unhappy raising my 4 kids and supporting my family. My husband has NEVER had restrictions from me. I do it all. He comes and goes as he chooses while I manage everything else. In his bomb drop he mentioned that I am like a cold robort or like his roomate Billy. He get's no sense of romance or fulfillment from me. When I tried to explain it's because I am left to do it all alone, he says "that may be true, but that is just the person you really are. You can't be the person I want". I have tried to be more needy, sweet, relaxed, etc and he calls me a "faker". In all honesty, I would DIE for him to take care of me, sweep me off the floor, help me or just ask how I am doing. So it is insane to me that he says this.

I need to add that he is definitely abusing alcohol for sometime now and in the last 6 weeks when I tried to "talk" to him there has been a little bit of physical abuse. That said, I knew I would prompt it, because I wouldn't stop following him around the house trying to talk with him. So I really intiated it. I am just saying this because if I am looking for real help here I figure I need to be honest.

So when he reaches out with hugs, affection, initiates conversations and texts - how much do I allow to show my true feelings of LOVE or do I just continue to be cold for awhile. And if the latter, how do I know when I can approach again?