Right now, she is saying that there is damage, like scar tissue, from fights in the past. Fights over nothing, often, that have no outcome and leave her with a feeling of despair. I wind up feeling that as well, but I seem to get over it more easily. Taken together and strung into a story, her narrative is very damning and says, in a nutshell, that we have too much tumult. If we are having a good time, there is always a crash coming.
As for our relationship, married for 6 years but living together for 12. We both work from home and hang out some during the day, have trained a martial art together, go to the gym together, watch TV together, play instruments together, have a garden we tend together, but we separate regularly to work on individual pursuits (I do the cooking, she studies Spanish, Italian for me, and we have our separate career paths, etc). She goes out of town for conferences regularly. Our friends overlap. We are well-satisfied in the bedroom. I like a wider range of things than she does, she is more focused on her work.
I have come to understand in the last couple of days that I seem needy. Inside my head, I am just madly in love with my best friend. I am happiest hanging out with her, gladly doing things for her, engaging, interacting.
My impression of her is that I have two wives. Both wives appear very self-confident, always believe they are right, and are comfortable telling me how I feel/act/think. One W adores me and is happy, and the other dislikes me and is miserable. It seems to take very little to tip the scales, and it is difficult to predict how long she will stay down when she finds herself in despair. In those times, our relationship seems to be the root cause of her woes. When she is down, she attacks and seems to be out of control with it. I wind up grumpy and avoidant or confronting and desperate to resolve the issue. In the past, I was much more willing to fight with her, but I feel like all of the fights have been had before and so I try to focus on our happiness when I can.
Just before my birthday, a few weeks back, everything between us was amazing. And then something changed. I don't know what. She got an infection, and claimed it was bringing her down. But that went away and she is still negative about our interaction. She starting picking fights and wouldn't listen to talk that says, "Hey, it's all right" And one day she said that we fight too much and that she was done. That there is a ton of good to us, our love, our house, our lives, but that she has taken the long view and doesn't think we are compatible and wants out.
She still sleeps with me, cuddles up to me. We still have good sex. But she always says she is done, she is just a couple of conversations away from leaving. Her mood runs hot and cold. She gets angry if I ask questions about what is going on. When I said that she should sleep in another bed if she is leaving, she wept. When I said that she should move out if she is leaving, she nodded seriously.
She is away at a class today but is coming home this evening. We have tentative plans to go to the gym.
