Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[PsySara]

Just got home from work, long and busy work day. A few texts went back and forth between WH and I but nothing aside from child stuff. I've pulled back a bit to regroup. I know detachment is important but so is trial and error. So far the trials that have worked is when I shower WH in affection. He responds almost instantly to this and softens, he becomes more attentive and responsive.

My anger has more to do with the fact I feel resentful over the lop sided nature of our parenting responsibilities. He comes home on Wednesday permanently. I feel there will more consistent results once he is here and not going back and forth to the place where he cheated. His behavior has been utterly consistent in that he regresses when he goes back to his work state. For now I am not making any sudden moves until that is no longer an option.

As far as boundaries go, I have pulled back and ended the convo every time he brings up OW. Last convo was a slip up on my end as my past response was to lose my temper. I screwed up again by raging on OW. The response I was supposed to be cool and detached while informing him I was stopping the convo as it had crossed a boundary.

Dbing has two constant rules:
1 Do what works
2. Stop doing what doesn't work

So far being aloof and dark resulted in WH thinking I wasn't interested in restoring the marriage. (he actually told me this) However being warm and affectionate reminds him of what he will be missing of he walks away. MY DB coach described it like selling a car, you don't give the price until you've let the person smell the leather, sit in the seat, drive it around. You show them the benefit of sinking $$$ into the car.

WAS have a tendency to believe that their spouse in unchangeable, they have created this list in their mind of unforgivable things the spouse "did" that means they are not worth fighting for. Part of the 180 is changing these things about yourself. In my case I have been a "right fighter" in the past. I chose to argue with my husband to convince him I was right, no matter how big or small the dispute. I showed my temper and yelled a lot. I was stubborn and would hold a grudge forever. I withheld affection for weeks when I was unhappy with his lack of help with household duties. So now I am "Acting as if" even when I am gritting my teeth. When he is here I see very positive results, when he is away and not seeing my actions he regresses. So for now I am holding still as he will be here permanently on Wednesday. I expected him to regress but I was caught off guard by his comment and forgot to DB for a minute and relapsed on my old behaviors.

One thing I can never criticize is he was always 100% present when home with the kids. He has always been a very involved father when home. BBL, baby is crying.