Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Jug]

No need to beat yourself up about something that's already done, especially if it was on the advice of your coach. Also, your feelings are normal. If you didn't feel anything, you wouldn't be here. Have a good weekend!

[PsySara]

Two rules in DBing
1 Do what works
2 Stop doing what doesn't work

Part of the 180 method is to destroy the preconceived notions our WAS have about us. And no matter how small the action, the most consistent ones will be noticed. Over and over again MWD was saying to make the marriage a place where they would question leaving it. This doesn't mean acting desperate or begging but it's ok to send kind, warm messages. If she doesn't react then try a few more times (when appropriate of course) and if she sends a discouraging response then you know to back off and try something else. I've started keeping a journal as was suggested. This has helped keeping track of different responses. This is kind of like an experiment to find out what makes our spouses tick. How to push the RIGHT buttons.

[nutts]

Hi Surfer,

No advice here, I'm not sure I can add anything, but I'm pulling for a happy ending for you, whatever you believe that to be. I would say it'd be with your family back intact, but if your W becomes someone you can't love any more, then I hope you find happiness post-D.

Good luck, and best wishes.

[Surfer]

Thanks PsySara. Read all these methodologies. But you summarise them well. I am going to go for the journal today!

As always, thank you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Nutts

It will all pan out.

Thank you for your kind words.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Jugg

Thanks. Great points succinct too!

Surfer.

[SH_]

Oh dear. I fear I am not as detached as I thought....

Surfer.

Surfer

Quite a pattern of this comment in your threads.
You and I have discussed t a time or two.

Tell me, what is "detached" look like for you?

I just had a call from W. We spoke for 23 mins. It was all genuine and if I am honest, I could feel myself falling back in love with her as we spoke [how mushy - what is going on with the real Surfer???].

What do you mean by this?

Surfer...

What are your goals in this journey?
What is your focus?
What habits are you working on?

“People with goals succeed because they know where they’re going.” — Earl Nightingale

[Surfer]

SH,

For me detached would be where I know I love and respect my W but I do not follow her moods as I am happy in who I am independently. Without interdependency but still with love. I would be happy to be together or apart and ultimately the choice there is hers, subject to her coming back being in mutually acceptable grounds.

Presume that makes sense.

Surfer.

[SH_]

SH,

For me detached would be where I know I love and respect my W but I do not follow her moods as I am happy in who I am independently. Without interdependency but still with love.

Is that just a feeling that you think will happen at some point?

I would be happy to be together or apart and ultimately the choice there is hers, subject to her coming back being in mutually acceptable grounds.

Presume that makes sense.

Surfer.

You say the choices are hers.
Why are her choices dictating you?

[Surfer]

SH

Fair points. A 'feeling' that you 'think', bit confused on the vernacular. It's either/or I would assume. Okay I feel this could happen. But if it doesn't so what. It is a nice to have. But I want to be more focused on being okay and happy if it doesn't. I feel that leads to detachment or visa versa. Fearing the loss of somebody is nevertheless fear and a product of interdependency or attachment.

Okay, yes, it's not just her choice, you are correct. But if the does not change, it's definitely not happening (getting back together) so ultimately there's a lot riding on my W's actions. I could just walk right now or take other courses of action so yes, not just about her.

Surfer.