I didn't add anything from my appt the previous day with my IC. That was a semi frustrating appt also. Some good came from it. Some was just reinforcing things I already knew/felt.
My R with xW... What a mess! So many similarities between xW and my mother. Both use the same tools in minor disagreements: start with defensiveness, when that doesn't work move to comparing/keeping score (well you did that to me also), add blaming and accusing (it was your fault I did this wrong), change the subject to something they thought they could win, and when nothing else is working for them to "win" simply move to sarcasm, threaten to walk out to "show" how fed up they are but never actually completely walk out and stop the argument, and when all else fails childishness and making faces will always settle the dispute once and for all. Then, come back to reality, start off with trying to discuss the situation calmly, and immediately return to all previous poor coping techniques.
My IC said something that was eye opening... IC thought possibly that xW noticed her actions were unhealthy ways of dealing with things, but she tried really hard to choke them down. (I am sure because many times I had requested xW not be so defensive, while remaining perfectly calm). IC said it must have been really hard for xW to always have that battle going on, knowing her natural tendencies of how to deal with a situation were unhealthy, trying so hard to not fall into the patterns that she witnessed her whole life, but when she got upset she would go into the "reactive self" and have no control over her actions.
Both xW and my mother did manage to push my buttons and get me upset from time to time, but even then I would mostly remain calm and collected. It drove them crazy that they couldn't get me upset, and they would accuse me of being cocky or arrogant. I would ask both to stop being defensive. With xW it sometimes actually seemed to work, but I think it led her to just withdraw because she knew she couldn't handle it properly so she just kept it to herself. With my mother, it made things worse if I asked her to not be defensive, a child (me) should never tell their mother what to do. I would ask both to stay on the subject at hand. Both would ignore it and continue changing subjects. My mother would explode and reply "you don't get to CONTROL me." She thought she had ALL power to control the conversation, no one else matters.
Even though my mother is much worse DURING the disagreements, I do have to give her credit for what happens after. Sometimes it is 20 minutes later, sometimes days later, but once she cooled down she would give indirect apologies. Rarely was it that she would admit to "being wrong," but she would bring up later that she would try to look at it from my perspective, and realize what it was like for me. This is a pretty huge relief when it did come. Unfortunately with my mother, as soon as she felt threatened again (real or imagined), she forgot all about the empathy and would return to keeping score and blaming. The only tool I have found to work with her is avoidance, either avoiding her totally, or avoiding the subjects where she think she is entitled to force her opinion down my throat.
Yesterday was a good example of both xW and my mother. As I mentioned above, xW told my mother last week that I told her IC that I didn't see the point of going to this counseling. I talked to the IC on the phone, and he told me he said no such thing. Yesterday during the session, she told the IC that my mother told her that my mother didn't see the point of going to this counseling. What? That is a total lie, changing the lie to be he said-she said about people who aren't present to defend themselves. I commented during the session only that I know that is not what my mother said. After the session I talked to my mother for quite a while about the session. I told her what xW had said. My mom was upset that xW lied about what my mother said. I said to my mother, "imagine being M'd to her for 21 years, and then going through a D with her." My mom continued to keep the focus on herself, brought it up many times during out conversation, about how hurtful it was to my mother that xW said this. Later last night I was talking to my mother again about a different subject, and she said she thought more about what it must have been like for me to have to deal with xW doing this to me. Finally she got it. I added to my mother, imagine how it felt to have all her lies in the OFP, especially the rape comment.
So, my question to whoever may be reading this... xW is still lying, twisting things, however you want to put it. How do you deal with that? Call her out on it? It is tempting to have my mother come to the next coparenting counseling session, possibly my IC also, have everyone in the room at the same time, and ask xW once again about who said what, so that they are all there to defend themselves. I know that she would feel that we are ganging up on her, but for good reason.
I know, many will chime in with "it doesn't matter" or "her circus, her monkeys" or "you aren't responsible for fixing her." But wouldn't this "intervention" force her out of her lying habit? To be confronted by it so directly and abruptly?
Back to my previous thoughts... I came from a semi-dysfunctional family. And then had almost exactly the same dysfunction in my M. I am tackling my issues, and put serious thought and research into the contributions of FOO. I have analyzed my thoughts and behaviors before, during, and after my M. I have put serious effort into reflecting the patterns in my M and what contributed to them. And I have come up with some conclusions that are borderline arrogant (which I'm not proud of arrogance!). That even though I lived through this dysfunction, even though I am ultra-paranoid about repeating these patterns, I keep being surprised that what I find in myself is that I contributed very little to that dysfunction. I have had some behaviors in the past, like telling my siblings what to do for parenting, that I realized years ago were not helpful, and stopped giving advice to pretty much everyone. Years ago, not just based on what I have learned lately. I have learned that I likely do not have the tools to deal with the mentally unstable, nor do I have an interest in learning those techniques, at least not at this point.
I have had these problems with 2 people in my life, my mother and xW. My initial thought was that I only have these problems with those that are closest to me, I'm still the common denominator. Learning about these things, and then seeing again how unhealthy both of these people were, released me from part of my guilt.
My brother and I get into heated discussions sometimes.... to the point of semi serious frustration. We walk away for 5 minutes, come back, let each other know our perspective of what happened, and all is forgiven, literally within 5 minutes. And maybe feel even better about ourselves and each other than before the argument.
My sister, she shuts down when feeling confronted. It is obvious that she does this, so it is simple to know when to stop the discussion and let her have time to think. Come back to the conversation, ask her kindly for her perspective to help her out of her shell, validate, all is good again. I may have screwed this up at times in the past with my sister (years ago), but I feel good that I can be that person for her that maybe helps her open up. My sister suffers from serious codependence, so we talk a lot lately about our childhood memories. My sister has told me about some things my mother has done to her that were pretty horrible. My sister tries too hard to be forgiving, so I try to make her feel safe sharing those things with me. She does not want it to get back to our mother.
GF... I'm sure I'll get some negative feedback on this one (i.e. well of course your R is good, you are still in the honeymoon period), but I'll share it anyway. This was never the intent of the R with GF, but she has taught me a lot about who "I" am. I treat GF the same way I treated xW. She actually appreciates the way I treat her, imagine that! I do things with my kids the same as I always have, though I do have more time with them now then when I was M'd to their mother (that's sad isn't it!). GF comments every time I am with my kids what an amazing father I am. I've caught myself just finishing a sentence, I cringe... Déjà vu, I just put my foot in my mouth, and this conversation is about to go really bad. But with GF, it doesn't go bad. In fact she looks at what I said as being a positive. She THANKS me for my comments. She tells me she appreciates my input. I am hypersensitive to coming across as controlling, so I try to identify my typical behavior and responses for might be construed as controlling, and ask GF if it felt that way to her. Her response is always "absolutely not." It is so strange, yet so comfortable, and such a relief, being with someone like her.
But, why is it that xW still feels like a "loss?" With everything I have learned, you would think I would be rejoicing that it is over, that I have moved one, that I have found someone who compliments my personality instead of clashes with it, that I no longer have to walk on egg shells scared to death of what my partner's reaction is going to be. Why is there still this crushing feeling in my chest that never goes away? Is it because of what this change in life does to my children? Because of the time I wasted in this dysfunctional relationship instead of being with someone better all along? Is it the stuff and money that I have lost? Does it have anything to do with xW at all (beside the fact that she is the one that dished out the boatloads of hurt)? Maybe I should be thanking her for releasing me?
