Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Surfer]

Thanks Ginger.

Thought provoking as usual. Also, can't sleep. Woke up at 3am following a dream I was being manipulated by W's wayward friends. Can't sleep now.

He only started football last week - give me a break (LoL). Whilst this is true, he did do football before but it started at 3 or 4 pm so I could not make it as I was at work in the City. Now it's at 6pm and I have left that job and set up by myself - so I can work from home and be more available for things like this, I will probably do the football at 6 each week, lets see. My W may want to do it too so I need to be careful not to ride roughshod over what she wants. But I also don't want her using this time to ignore D8 and just text OM - but I can't control that and need not to care.

Yes my rewards will come from the kids but appreciation is always welcome as you made clear. I need to show her I appreciate what she does here too. It's just polite. I haven't always done this enough re:kids clubs etc. Having said that I don't get thanked for how hard I work, only once in 12 years. I don't know if that's a 180 you could do too? Guys like that one. Not holdin my breath for my W's 180 - ha ha.

Oh and on the "wife usually does it" - I ask if I can help. But get told no. I used to get told don't ask just do it. That didn't work either on anything from washing up to cleaning. I was told no I can't whilst others could happily help....apparently it would get thrown back at her. I did twice raise the house being a mess when I came home and she was not working - but soon learned that was a mistake. So I am not perfect. I have certainly not been the guy that rushes back to my pinnifore when I finish a 10 hour days and the W is at home. But I was not a slouch. You are right though, even if she thinks I was - good 180 opps all round.

One thing I never did was organise a holiday. I'd love to do that, if its way too early. Anyway, I would only invite the W not the WW so got to see if she can make it back yet. I need to find the W that wants time with her H over her girlfriends first and that will be a real challenge - her wayward advisers. That's why I think less financial support may help. Don't get me wrong, I want her and the kids to have a happy life. I am just not funding 4 holidays a year anymore at least 3 with the girls and one just with the girls and no kids. It's time for reality to bite I think. Tricky though as I don't want to upset progress. But is it progress or W being nice as she is getting plenty of financial freedom and a safe plan B? Mmmm tricky.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Spoke to W today - she called eventually to reply to my request to help with D8 bday party. She fired a little spew when I suggested doing it at our H. I validated which stopped her. Then I enquired how long she had rented for. I am trying to get some vsision on the future for Kids and me - I am happy either at and they will be too. This limbo has gone on too long. The answer is rental is up to June next year at least (which I am paying half of, plus maintenance and all costs at the martial home). She tried to avoid telling me but eventually did when I explained I wanted to understand for the kids and me what was going on. She then changed tack and started saying everything depends on you. I explained that this is not he case as I was just asking about her renting. She suggested that if I had worked with her on a D this would not have happened (S) and by now she was heading into a spew. I said look I am sorry but I am not having this kind of conversation. It's not working for me. Talk to me later when you have calmed down. I then ended the call.

I sent a text to clarify that I didn't appreciate the way she spoke or trying to direct the conversation elsewhere to create a dispute. She added she is not comfortable talking one to one about such issues and needs a 3rd party (I.e mediator). Hopefully she will now do something about it as limbo is no good. I am feeling rather happy with life but I am not going to hang around like this forever. DBing for less than a year but these problems have been going on for he last 5-6 years and I am staring to get very bored with the drama that plays out.

I am not intending to play a part in the D but I am going to suggest some put up or shut up from her. If that doesn't work then perhaps I willl have no alternative but to pull the rip cord. Hopefully not.

It's hard to know what to do but WW will just blow £70k plus on rent etc if I let her and that's madness.

What to do.......thing is. I don't even like this person. I don't think she will change. So might as well pull the cord....

Surfer.

[PsySara]

There is nothing wrong with no longer supporting her financially while she lives out of the home. Her choice was to move out and I don't see why you should be expected to subsidize her alternative lifestyle. Is she employed? My Wh was previously thinking of renting an apartment and never thought to ask me for financial support, that is preposterous.

If she wants D then she can start to live the life of a divorcee. Meanwhile continue to validate but keep firm, kind boundaries.

[lt0402]

Surfer, I've been slacking as of late on keeping up on everyone's situations. Will catch up fully on yours tomorrow, but know I'm still here and rooting for you brother!

[Surfer]

LT. I understand. Been there. Thank you for checking in.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

PsySara

Thank you so much for the input. Yes she is employed. She 'had to get a job because I was so mean with money' that was the rewritten history anyway (she got it after her EA/PA also lost weight, dressed different, out with GFs a lot etc). Anyone that knows me knows I am anything but tight fisted. She earns average to good wage. The lifestyle she had was incredibly lavish by most standards. Up to 4 holidays a year - 1 with me.anyway I digress. I need to move things forward she is comfortable with the status quo in a house I am paying for with a lifestyle I am funding. I can only stop paying for these things by moving forward and that means her making progress with the mediation she instigated. She stalled it because "why not" what's her rush. Well I am not living like this anymore and neither should the kids.

I want to get finances and custody sorted. I am at circa 30% and want 50% custody. I also want to work out what she wants then pay her and just move on if the alternative is this limbo with someone that is, in my view, pretending to be nice but is still a WW.

The disrespect remains so I am enforcing boundaries when she spews and am pushing back to move this on. She needs to see that I am not her plan B. I don't know if there is an OM now but I suspect she spends most of her time bi#ching about her hard life and directing that at me. That is sufficient disrespect in my eyes.

She got a totally fair text from me saying we need to move on with things as it's not fair on the kids or me being in limbo. Apparently she told D8 (who was late here and is now with S6 - my night last night) that she had an upsetting text and had to go upstairs upset and speak to MIL last night. It either hit her that I am moving forward or she used it to spew and rewrite.

I guess I am getting ready to move on. W is not who I want. I want to pick up kids from school see them for 7 days on one week and then drop them at school - repeating this every other week so no contact with WW but Lots with them. Basically, I don't want to see her very much at all or have her in my life anymore - She is not someone I know or like and she will not change. I want every other birthday and Christmas and every Father's Day plus first 50% of each school holiday. At present I am getting way short. If I have to pay her an awful lot of money for this so be it. Provided it is fair and reasonable.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

DB (or what I think it is if you are LBS) is taking back control of you and your emotions. It's as simple that.

Boundaries - control (I won't accept certain that behaviour)
Detachment - control (No thanks I don't ride this Rollercoaster)
GAL - control (I am going to control my own happiness)
Etc

Just thoughts.

Surfer.

[Jug]

I feel for you surfer. What you want with respect to custody and holidays is more than reasonable. I made it clear to my ww that if we s or d, I'd want the same and also that there would be no "family" trips because she wouldn't be my family.

[Surfer]

Thanks Jug.

I am actually good at the moment. I might come across as in a dark place but I am not. I am just trying to work it all out TBH. I am going out lots, lots of GAL (which mainly revolves around pubs, bars restaurants through work and with friends - which is tricky as I not very good at 'just having one' (I have goals here but I need to stick to them LoL)).

I know all will be well as I have accepted that I can move on and have new R if I want one and I will be really happy. I could also be really happy with my W, but we both need to accept each other fully (and ourselves) - warts and all!

You are right on the custody side of things and I will have floated the same. I personally think they need to feel they are losing 50% of the kids and a much poorer day to day living standard in come cases. The financials will be the 2x4 for my W I am sure. I have always felt like a bank account. Perhaps it's time for the bank to default!!!

Agree with the holody thing too. I stupidly put a lot of money in an account for her (prior to D) for tax reasons and she is sitting pretty so until she has blown £75k she won't feel concerned is my view.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Oh dear. I fear I am not as detached as I thought....

I just had a call from W. We spoke for 23 mins. It was all genuine and if I am honest, I could feel myself falling back in love with her as we spoke [how mushy - what is going on with the real Surfer???]. Mostly listened to her and talked, not focussing on validation or anything of the sort really, spoke about kids and she agreed we should go to parents evening next week together. I presume she would say no. Really pleased with that.

My DB Coach has said to tell my W when she does something nice. Rather then just setting negative boundaries. So I sent her a text "Just wanted to say thanks. I like it when we have nice conversations." I haven't sent an message like that so far so it is a real 180. I will now sit back and observe. I get it might come across as pursuit but I will see what happens if she reacts well next time we talk I will try more of the same positive talk. If nothing happens, I won't do that again, unless there is something really nice in how we interact.

I presume this is the right thing to do - no idea TBH??

Surfer.