Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[SH_]

Jksd, might you elaborate on what it is that you differ from me on here?

Sara. Agree with firm (but gentle) boundaries. And this is where I will differ from SH.

A consequence I can think of that is appropriate for the situation is to remove yourself from the conversation civilly.

I expressed that Sara needs boundaries...boundaries require consequences.

This is a consequence,

to remove yourself from the conversation civilly.

This is not a consequence,

I was very quiet and he started asking what was wrong. I told him I had previously requested not to hear about their feelings for each other, that was a place I was not strong enough to visit. He started defending what he said and I lost my temper. I told him I didn't care what he felt for OW and what OW felt for him. I told him I didn't feel OW was capable of love or even being a decent human being. I told him I fantasized about her dying from some disease that eats a person from the genitals on up.

I amy have misunderstood what you said, but I think we are saying the same thing...
I did not share an idea for a consequence, because as I have learned , we each individually need to determine what the consequence will be, because we individually need to know what we are willing to do. This is a very important DB principle from MWD and from those that share advice on boundaries...

Sara, must determine what she is willing to follow through on...and to be clear, consequences can not be about "punishing" WS/WAW. it must be a consequence that is focused on protecting oneself...

Sara, I truly believe your focus should be on practicing and implementing detachment. It is the theme in this forum, and most importantly t is the specific thing that MWD states before any step of DB or LRT will work effectively.

Detachment
How to Develop Detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Sara, I believe in you.
I am concerned for you
I pray that you will turn to you and focus on you.
You are so focused on the MR, that you are losing yourself...
Cheeseless tunnels are when we set up camp doing the same things hoping for the same results...
The most recent conversation with WH is deja vu several times in your threads.
Please come out of that tunnel...

I am very concerned that you are not taking care of yourself first...DBing is about taking care of you first. You are still very connected to every little thing he does and or does not do...

I have more that I want to share for you for food for thought, but I have to run now.
Please do something for you today. You need a serious break from it all.